the bad days

7/19/10

7/19/10

“Be a good little girl, use your binky for daddy”

“But I'm not a baby, I'm almost nine now.”  i try protest to the nightmare to come.

  “ we are just playing pretend baby. Just sit there with your binky looking cute for your dada waiting for cuddles”

I nod as tears are filling my eyes eyes. I want to protest further but fears the punishment to come. J leaves the room and while i try i can't stop the sobs that now shook my whole body. J walked into the room a sadistic smile gracing his aging face

  “Awe is my cuddle bug sad daddy can fix that with a binky and bellas favourite toy” jay says putting the hot pink pacifier in lolis mouth and guiding her hands to his painfully obvious erection.

  “That's a good girl shake it like a rattle, good little baby Bella. I'm so proud of my baby girl.”he coos sickening praise to the child as she sobs. “Its almost time for my little girls bottle would my baby girl like her milkies now” J looks at me waiting for a response.

 “Yes” i says dejectedly.

Slap

“Yes what?” j says with anger and annoyance.

“Y-y-yes da-da-da-daddy” i said with much struggle.

“Better, suck on your bottle now”

I listen takingmy  step father into my mouth as i think about all my choices that lead me here at the age of nine being reduced to infantilism.

He finishes with a grunt as he grabs mei by the hair he pulls me to the living room and proceeds to hit,kick, throw, and burn. When asked why I amnunable to produce an answer I am burned again. Each time he asked i failed to answer. Eventually the sadistic man gets bored he throws the girl to the floor “You forgot to say thank you bitch”

Pain and blood surround me as I attempt to get up from the floor. After what feels like an eternity I finally roll onto my stomach. Another eternity later I get my arms under me then my knees. I slowly crawl to the stove. I feel every burn, cut, and bruise as I pull myself up I look at the time. 1:37 am. Been down there for hours I creep my way to my room one shaky step at a time I feel so ridiculous i look like a toddler that had an accident I'm cold tired uncomfortable and in pain. I make my way to my clothes and change them gently trying not to hurt myself worse. I lay down finally in a bed. The last thought on my mind as sleep consumes me is “can i still go to heaven if I put a bullet in my brain” I drift off with a slight smile as the idea of dying lulls me to sleep.

Dull that's all childhood was, dull and cold. Each day filled with dread and fear waiting for the next. Waiting for death

“I could make our lives better tonight”, I thought as I first handled my mothers revolver. At the tender age of six years old this was the second thought that crossed my trauma polluted mind. The first was suicide of course I didn't know the word for it I just didn't want to exist. I set the gun down and sat in wait with my siblings waiting for jay to get home and teach us how children should behave. One sex slave one in training and a punching bag. I sat there thinking about how to use a gun. I've seen them used in movies. You just pull back the lever part and then the trigger.

A month later I decided to go for it I sat in my room gun to my head, pull the lever then the trigger. In hesitation I checked once again that it was loaded. I finally took a deep breath looked at my note that I worked so hard on and pulled the trigger. Click.  There was nothing I didn't figure it out for about a year but the safety was on. I tried 4 or 5 times and finally gave up.

My next attempt was about 6 months later. I had only the most basic understanding of suicide at this point. I tried to overdose. 3 pain pills oxys I believe and a handful of ibuprofen. I knocked myself out for 2 days but didn't die.

From there it was a special of overdoses trying to open veins trying to hang myself jumping off the barn roof. Each attempt was ignored. Of the cat cut her she fell she is sick these are the excuses my family used and seemed to believe to be true