2/3/2019:
mommy issues. and sissy issues. fun. so i have always been the oldest of four. i was the big sis and i was blamed for everything as every older sibling is. i have more responsibilities but more privileges. my brother is my only 'same birth mom and dad' sibling. i live with him and my two little sisters who have a different mom. my other little sister has a different dad. her birth dad was an alcoholic junkie and so was her birth mom, our birth mom. she lives with our grandma who we call 'mamaw'. me and my brother haven't left each other since he was born for more than a week. our mom and dad divorced when he was almost 2 and i was 3. we switched back and forth while each of our parents fought for custody. our mom did it for the child support. and our dad did it because he felt betrayed and wanted his kids. at our birth moms trailer we lived with our little sister who has a different father. lets call her pumpkin. pumpkin wasn't allowed to go with us to our dads house because, it wasn't her father. at our dads house, we lived with him, our mom, and our two little twin sisters. for some reasons i had always liked living with my mom, in a roach-infested trailer in a junkie neighborhood with a dirt road and blackberry bushes and honeysuckles and sweet grass and clovers and a rotting porch. idk why. i think it was the setting. i know damn well it wasn't the neighbors lmao. we had this one neighbor. her name was destiny. she was a bitch. she was also my childhood bully as most people have. one time she put me in a chokehold and punch my head screaming at me to admit that santa claus and the easter bunny weren't real. she got so mad all the time. she convinced me she was my friend. kid drama. its hilarious looking back at it. i could have just walked away or fought back. but i didn't cuz i was a little retard as i am now. god if i could go back i would have put her in her damn place. she never really hurt my brother. he was always sleeping the days away. we played together all the time. it was fun. me and my bro dug a hole in our front yard thinking we could make an underground tunnel to our mamaws house. we spent a lot of time at our mamaws house. in the mornings on the weekend i would call her and me and my brother along with my little sis all went to her house for the day. we usually spent the night. i loved church. i refused to show it. but i did. a lot. of course i didn't actually pay attention. it was my great grandpas church. it was so fun. i got to color in my coloring book and fall asleep. then i would look up at the ceiling, it was sooo high. it was one of those hugs churches. it wasn't what you're thinking it was. it was only for family and close friends. there was this absolutely enormous chandelier. it was so amazing. i had always thought the candles were real ;-;. they weren't. after church was over we had a big meal with everyone. i don't remember ever actually eating the food but i remember making the ambrosia. My mamaw is amazing. me and my brother loved her so much. we loved our mom too. we were spoiled XD. me and my sis loved coloring and i would yell at my brother for touching my book -.- i loved my coloring book. me and my brother were always those giggley kids making a ruckus. my little sis was too little to remember most of the bad times. for some reason my brother remembers nothing. he slept through most of it. if something bad were to happen he would sleep. it was his way of 'coping' with reality. i wasn't a very good sister. i didn't stand up for him as often as i should have. we had switched between our parents on and off until he was six and i was just turning 7; we are a 1-1/2 years apart. our dad gained custody and we have to leave our little sister. we had the chance to see here about once or twice a month. it sucked not being there for our little sis. we missed her a lot. i created my own bubble of drama. my brother remained oblivious. we had ourselves busy with our two little sisters though. we had just gotten back to our dad and jacob went inside to go put all his stuff up. my dad was standing outside and it was raining. PERFECT SAD MOOD DAMOOT. srsly it was like a fakin movie scene. j e e z. he wanted to talk to me and i had an idea of what it was about. he told me i wouldn't be seeing my mom for a while because she had been doing bad things. i knew what he was talking about and i started crying. i had very few moments of crying. i also had very few moments of being serious. i was a very dramatic child. i was always laughing and smiling. i did not have a good smile. at all lmao. i tried to be as relevant as possible all the time and i pushed everything that was me aside. everything that made me who i am. so i was having a moment of common sense and crying at the same time. i tried not crying. i failed XD. miserably. my dad wanted me to talk so i did and i said what i thought he wanted to hear. we continued talking and my throat swelled up as it always did and i cried some more. i felt something cold and weird land on my hand. i looked down and it was a frog. A FROG. my dad laughed and i freaked out lol. i shook my hand to get it off and my dad said 'well the frog knew you were sad' then he said 'he was tryna cheer u up' i laughed and he hugged me then we went inside. A FRIKIN MOVIE SCENE MAN IM TELLIN YE. it was insane. so we stayed with him and visited our little sister twice every month for a year. then our dad decided we weren't allowed to go over there because our mom was there. pumpkin had then come to visit US every month. our mom went in and out of jail making empty promises and abusing our fathers generosity. it was cruel and my brother missed her badly. so did i. a counselor lady had asked us a bunch of questions and we had both said what we had known our father wanted us to say. she asked us stupid questions like' are you happy here' and 'were you happy with your mom'. after that 1 year, we hadn't seen her in person for 5 years. then we did. my brother was happy as can be. she had gone through rehab. she had done her time. she wasn't off probation just yet but she was sober. It was weird. i didn't know who she was. i had thought that i was ready. i wasn't AT ALL. i had so many questions and my brother was so absolutely in love with the stuff she was spoiling us with. i was mad at her for that. everytime i had tried to be nice and daughter-ly.. is that a thing.. she just threw more money at me. she spoiled me and loved shopping and gave me perfume and weird sparkly pants and shiny shirts and fancy coats. i was pissed. i was thankful, grateful. i was polite and smiley and i acted awkward. and uncomfortable. and happy. BUT i wasn't lmao. i wanted to scream at her. i was happy for jake. he seemed at peace. he got to play video games with her boyfriend (soon-to-be husband). On top of my anger and disappointment, her boyfriend has two daughters. both are older than myself. they are hanging out with pumpkin. i feel selfish and benchy but wtfunky face mom. srsly dude. i feel replaced. i feel backstabbed. it sucks. i don't like it. i want to talk to someone but there is no one i feel like blabbering to. so i'm here. i don't like the fact my mom can just go on on and on and sleep with a clear conscience. it hurts. i wanna cry. i shouldn't though. i told my mom how mad i was. she gave me an auto response most would get from their friends parent if u were spilling. she acts like a mom. but not my mom. not the mom i was hoping i would feel at home with. i was hoping she would satisfy the ache i have most times i think of her. this all sounds so stupid. i don't like this. but i'm thankful i have this website. no one really reads my stuff so i feel pretty safe posting this crap. and it makes me feel better to just get it out there. maybe some day my mom will find this. and she'll apologize. i wanted an apology so bad. i wanted her to ask for forgiveness. she acts like she just expects me to be totally okay with her throwing money at me to make up for all her smit. she isn't my mom. no matter how badly i wish she were. the morals she taught me as a kid. don't trust strangers. that's not really a moral i stick to but her shit taught me how to go with my gut. another one is be kind. i'm not always the best at that when it comes down to it. but i try to be. being kind has benefited me and others around me greatly. yeah. thankful for that one. shes given me some core morals i really stick to but i refuse to mention those. i love her. or i wish i did. i know how screwed up that sounds. but when she says 'i love you' it feels so empty. i don't trust her. to love someone you should be able to put all your trust and hopes on them and not be afraid of them hurting you. i'm not afraid. or terrified. but i just don't want to risk it. she isn't worth the risk. gawd damzel that sounds so harsh.. its not. i promise. unlike her i can keep a promise. and my love isn't just a word i throw around. Also, mom, i am pretty damn sure you aren't supposed to be able trust your FRIENDS more than your own mother. i could spam my friends all day and be terrified of them leaving but i could also go to school and have them make fun of me, and make them laugh. and then i laugh. and it makes me happy. i'm happier with them and i feel safer. they are probably the biggest jerks in the world but they are the good kind of jerks. idk why i tolerate them, then again idk why they tolerate me XD. i'm glad they keep me around. i love hanging out with them. they are hilarious, no they aren't. they are annoying. and take my lunch, most of the time i give it to them. not all of it. i keep my sandwich and usually i keep my fruit. but if i'm given rice krispies it usually goes to Carrot or Panda. Rye doesn't usually take my lunch. he gets my lunchbox back from them actually XD. they take the food and they trade sometimes. Rye has some beef w/ panda internally tho. he said panda was an asshole. i trust his judgement -.- but i do tend to look past all the bad traits :| bad habit. i kno rye's crush C: haha. rye also said carrot is pandas pet and i strongly disagree :| they are all jerks. very different jerks. rye abuses my feelings. panda says sup in the weirdest ways, like KICKING me. he didn't kick me hard but ima still be salty about it XD. and carrot.. lets not even start with carrot. hes just MEAN. and rude. and mean. lima bean isn't really a jerk :| except the fact that she thieved my seat >:[ and turnip says im shrinking. hes gotten the rest of them to agree -.- he also refuses to let go of a very small insignificant fact stating that i am short. i am not. i am average height for a girl my age. but after all the crap they pull, mother, I still feel more at home and more myself around them. i can't do that around u. jesus christ. i really want you to understand mom. I need you to understand and get it through your head. you gave up on me and jacob a while ago. i dont give a fuk if you going through rehab was all for us i know it wasn't. you were being pressured by mamaw for that shit. i do not want you to be my mom. i do not want two older sisters. that's my role mother. you shouldn't come back into my life after neglecting me and jake and pumpkin and expect me to accept u as my mom. whats this? you want us to live with you? too late bitch. if you do end up getting half custody of me and my brother. i want you to know. do not think you are anymore worth to me as any other random stranger that happens to say hello in the grocery store. i see value in everyone's life so do not think i am saying you are a worthless being who deserves to rot. i am also not saying i hate you. i don't hate anyone and if i do it is because they hurt my brother or little sister, or my dad. HA. BENCH YOU DID ALL THREE. FUNK THIS SMIT I SHOULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER ALLOWING U NEAR MY BROTHER. agh triggered. i guess i dont hate you. i mean i dont i HATE u either. that's the level past hate. that's something we don't talk about. i will make sure you don't hurt my brother. you won't hurt marley because mamaw is watching over her and if marley ever moves in with u ima be pissed af. but i cant do crap about anything in all reality. i cannot do much but rant here. and hope, someday, i will have the guts to send this whole funky facing essay of thoughts to you. after editing out the profanity.
agh.. good day to you.
