Bibbidy Bobbady Boo Ya

Mom whats a mormon?

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Gregory, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling barely displeased, Gregory punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he realized that his beloved Kiwi was missing!  Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Bobino. Gregory had known Bobino for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were exotic ones.  Bobino was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... oafish. Gregory called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Bobino picked up to a very happy Gregory. Bobino calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras grimace before mating, yet albino cats usually scandalously sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Gregory.  Why was Bobino trying to distract Gregory?  Because he had snuck out from Gregory's with the Kiwi only nine days prior.  It was a enchanting little Kiwi... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Gregory got back to the subject at hand: his Kiwi. Bobino belched. Relunctantly, Bobino invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Kiwi. Gregory grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bobino realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Kiwi and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Gregory took the tricked out go kart, he had take at least four minutes before Gregory would get there.  But if he took the Segway?  Then Bobino would be abundantly screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Bobino was interrupted by seven insensitive marmots that were lured by his Kiwi. Bobino yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he deftly reached for his ninja star and randomly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Segway rolling up.  It was Gregory.

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late.  With a careful leap, Gregory was out of the Segway and went earnestly jaunting toward Bobino's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Bobino was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the Kiwi into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Bobino was angered but at least the Kiwi was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Bobino charismatically purred.  With a mighty push, Gregory opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied.  'It's fine,' Bobino assured him. Gregory took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Bobino had hidden the Kiwi. Bobino sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Gregory was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Bobino noticed a annoying look on Gregory's face. Gregory slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Bobino felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Gregory asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Kiwi right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A oafish look started to form on Gregory's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet legless puppies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Gregory nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bobino could react, Gregory aptly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Kiwi was plainly in view.

   Gregory stared at Bobino for what what must've been eight minutes. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Bobino groped wildly in Gregory's direction, clearly desperate. Gregory grabbed the Kiwi and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Bobino let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Gregory,' he rebuked. Bobino always had been a little dimwitted, so Gregory knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Bobino did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, he gripped his Kiwi tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Bobino looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Gregory. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Gregory. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Bobino walked over to the window and looked down. Gregory was gone.

   Just yonder, Gregory was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Bobino's place. Gregory had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Kiwi.  One by one they latched on to Gregory.  Already weakened from his injury, Gregory yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his Kiwi.