Two Broken People

If It's Not Broke, Don't Fix It. Right?

   My name is Victoria Michelle Christian, and I go by Tori. I'm a very complex girl. I have this fear of being alone.....that is, never marrying and settling down like my six cousins. I always felt sort of alone even with my family around because I would still think about the one thing I couldn't talk about to my family. My breakup with Phillip Victor Mackenzie. I never really considered coming to New York with my family for a family reunion. I have always thought of New York as a crowded polluted place. I went there when I was nine or younger with my parents who were still married at the time, but I hardly remember that trip. My relationship with Phillip Victor Mackenzie broke me completely. I thought he was the one. We were supposed to get married in July, but with his secrets, lies and infidelity it was hard to hold on to our relationship. 

  A song came on the radio as we drove to the airport. 

  This song was significant to me because of the fact that it played almost immediately after every serious relationship in my life (at different times) ended. I had only been in three serious relationships (at different times) in my life. Let's just say third time's not a charm. The lyric to the song 'maybe, you're gonna be the one to save me' got on my nerves in particular. Maybe I was the one who needed the saving. Instead of trying so hard to help each man I dated at separate times to change for the better. No man changes. No matter what you do. They will always be the same. Maybe the problem was me. Maybe I tried to change every single man that came into my life because I wanted them to be perfect. No one is perfect. Not me. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my sister. Not Phillip Victor Mackenzie. He was so close. If only he didn't lie. If only he didn't sleep with someone else when we were trying for another chance. But he didn't. He couldn't. He was so stuck inside his delusions he couldn't tell what was the truth and what was the lies. 

  I wish he didn't ever lie. I wish last year didn't happen. I wish we were already married, and we're getting ready to have kids just like all of my other cousins who were around the same age. But he slept with her. It all ended when I saw the picture. He gave me the tablet. It was his, but he wanted to face time me with his phone. I saw the picture of the girl's ass. He had said she was just a friend. How could I be so stupid? How could I not see that everything was falling apart and could not be put back together? How could I not not see that the man I had fallen in love with was just an illusion? That's what everyone had said. It was all fake. It wasn't real. So was the love that I felt with him not real? What was love, anyways? I knew everyone else in my family had it. Why couldn't I have it? What was wrong with me? Was I cursed or something? 

   My grandma passed away after our relationship ended. We were really close. It was the fantastic cherry on top of a fantastic year. (Of course I mean that sarcastically) I knew it was her time to go though. Even though I fought so hard to keep her around. Phillip wouldn't stop texting me or calling me. It made it so hard to move on. Soon after all contact with him ended, I fell into a deep depression. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I kept to myself. I stayed in my room. I never came out, unless I needed to take care of myself, or go to work. My feelings of injustice in love had caused me to wish good for everyone else, but not for myself. I just couldn't believe that it would happen for me. It's not that I didn't want it. Because I did. After all this time though it seemed like something that I would never obtain, and that hurt me real bad. Would I ever be good enough for someone to stay with just me? To love just me and only me for the rest of my life and vice versa? No. It seemed unlikely. I didn't want to believe that people were bad. I didn't want to be a man hater.....but I was getting dangerously close to becoming one. I had to stop it. I was better than this. I would consistently pretend that I was fine around my family. But they knew better. They just didn't want to hear about it. So I kept my mouth shut.