boy in the blue car

She was fascinated with him. The boy in the blue car was a mystery to her. For her whole life she thought boys and girls couldn't truly be friends. But the boy in the blue car made her feel like no one else had. She never felt uncomfortable. She never refrained from doing something for fear he might get the wrong impression. And she admired him. She trusted him and she wasn't sure why. Despite the voice in her head telling her to be careful, she fell further into her own ideas. But she heard the silent whispers, the thoughts swirling in everyone's heads. She thought, "I'm not doing anything wrong so why does it feel like I did?" And the questions behind their eyes, were burning into her brain. "Was everyone thinking the same?" Except her boy who was oblivious, he saw nothing but clouds of smoke. And he laughed from the back of his throat. But it hurt her. Having those sweet thoughts of betrayal. It was easier to make herself feel nothing than deal with it all. When she looked at him she felt bad for smiling at his smile and watching his eyelashes flutter when he squinted. She felt guilty for even noticing the small details and she found herself hanging on every word that left his lips. She found herself doing things she never did before and wanting to do more.

      He wasn't clueless he was just like her. Terrified on the inside. Hiding behind who people thought he was. She wanted to say she knew, but she didn't. She didn't know anything at all about what it was like for him. No matter how terrible she felt inside it never showed on the outside, not to others. She suppressed every feeling, even the good ones. Sometimes she couldn't tell the difference. Sometimes she was just living but barely. Smiling but not on the inside. Laughing and having fun for the fleeting moments she would forget. But it would always come back. As much as she faked it everyday, she became it. Fake, never showing herself. But he hid behind other people. Behind smoking, behind drinking. And she wanted to hold his face in her hands and tell him things will get better because that's what everyone says. She wanted to plead with him not to give up. But she was nothing to him. The way he held her she felt safe, but she couldn't trust his face. Because she feared that behind his kind blue and red eyes that all he wanted was to use her. She knew what people were like. She knew what people would do. But would her boy in the blue car do the same? Would he use her and leave her just like everyone else. Would her become just a memory like her golden boy? Would he slip away more everyday like the girl behind the camera lens? Or would she ruin it like she was doing with her silver star?