Love You Anymore

An Open Letter to the Man I Let Go

I'm sorry I didn't love you enough.

I'm sorry I took you for granted. I didn't mean to undervalue your worth but I'm sorry if that was how you felt.

I'm sorry I didn't give you what you deserved.

I'm sorry I didn't choose you. I'm sorry I didn't have faith in us.

I'm sorry for the broken promises.

I was sincere when I said forever, but I'm sorry I neither knew what happened to us nor what happened to perfect.

I'm sorry I left you behind when we envisioned that we'd grow old together. I included you in my dreams. I did.

I'm sorry that I didn't see love as a reason to stay. Believe me, I died too, but I'm sorry I acted as if I didn't care. My stone-cold touch withered your before lively soul.

I'm sorry I let you down when all you did was lift me up.

I'm sorry there's no way I can undo the damage, but trust me I regret every waking moment that you are not here beside me.

I wish we could go back to the way we were before. To those beautiful days when you were still mine. I should have told you every day how much I loved you. I should have showed you how scared I was to lose you. I should have taken enough care of you. I should have not held back and given you the best of me instead.

I should have loved you without limits.

But I let fear dominate me. I'm sorry I created a ghost in my head and let the ghost defeat me. I didn't trust you when you said that you would never ever change. And that, your affection will remain the same until we're gray and old.

I wish I dreamed along with you when you were planning our future together and thinking of the names you will give to our children.

I'm sorry that it was later when I realized how much you mean to me. It was ironic I only saw the colors you put into my life after you were gone.

I'm sorry I gave you less when you gave the world to me.

I'm sorry I looked down on your imperfection. I didn't admire your honesty. I wish I took the raw, vulnerable, authentic you. I wish I loved you for who you are.

I wish I embraced you in your best and worst.

You gave me your whole heart and I returned it shattered into tiny pieces. I'm sorry I was a fool. I knew you were broken but instead of healing you, I added to the injury. I cut you deep, let you bleed, and drew you piled up scars.

Guess you were right when you said that you wouldn't realize what you have until it was gone. And when you do, it would be way too late. 'Cause I never smiled the same after we were apart. I wish I learned a little earlier that everything in life is going to hurt us. I'd rather have chosen to be hurt by you among many other things.

Baby, you're the only pain that is worthy.

I'm sorry I was late. I see you with someone else now.

You looked happy.

Sure, she's thanking me the most for not holding you tight. She must be feeling so lucky to wake up every day next to the most gracious creature that is YOU. She must be making sure you feel loved every single day. She figures out your favorite meals, sticks with you through trials and triumphs, puts you first over anything else, she listens carefully when you talk, pleases you in all way she knows. And she's the first person that you call when something big happens to you.

I'd like to say I'm glad that you have found someone who had filled all the emptiness inside you. Who had seen all the yearning and longingness in your eyes that I was blinded to see. Who had given you everything that I failed to give you. But I wish it was still me.

Your used to be only.

The one you were holding. Kissing. Sharing laughter with. The person that you couldn't live a life without and to whom you were promising a bright future.

I wonder if I would still affect you if you would see me now. If I ever still crossed your mind. If I do, I wish you remember the good things we shared together when you look back on us. How I've missed those nights we cuddled on the sofa, sipping wine while we watched our favorite Netflix series and your body was wrapped around me. I loved the sound of your loud heartbeat while I was feeling the heat radiating off of your chest. Those three words vibrated in my ear every time you whispered them to me.

But I was dumb and stupid I let you slipped through my fingers. I threw myself in the cold ocean of regret and now I'm drowning. I'm stuck in the phantom of our memories and couldn't find a way to escape. I wonder if you would know, would you run back to me and save me?

I wish we could go back to the way we were before. To those beautiful days when you were still mine. I should have told you every day how much I loved you. I should have shown you how scared I was to lose you. I should have taken enough care of you. I should have not held back and given you the best of me instead.

I should have loved you without limits.

But I'm sorry I forgot to keep you.

My loss is hers to hold now.

I wish I didn't let go.

That should be me spending eternity with you.