Hold Me When You're Here, I'll Love You When You're Gone

Her

0300 Day 1

Our alarm slowly pulls me from the fog of sleep; the screeches blare through my head. I open my eyes and a small lamp in the corner of the room is currently the only, and very dim, source of light. I feel him reach over and abruptly smack the machine disrupting our peaceful rest. After I feel his hand return to my waist, I groan and turn my body to its other side so that we are face to face. I'm still in his arms, just how we fell asleep. I study his face like I have a hundred times before; my hand lifts to gently trace the outline of his rough cheek with my index finger. He'll shave soon, then it'll be smooth again. I delicately pull my finger over his chin, then his lips, before lightly tapping his nose.
"Boop", he whispers with a grin.
He opens his eyes to meet mine as I try, and fail, to stifle a small giggle. I meet his gaze once more and the room grows silent as I allow myself to lose all worry and anxiety in the vast blue expanse of his eyes.
I am suddenly pulled from this perfect moment with an earth-shattering realization: He's leaving today. My hand loses any previous enthusiasm and falls limp on his shoulder.

"Do you have to go?" I ask, surprised as I realize how close to tears I am.
"You know I do. You don't have to come with me though. It's early and it might hurt less if you just stay here."
"No, there's no way in hell I'm missing a second with you that I don't have to."
"N'awww"
"Shush it's true!"
"I know it is. I know." His grip around me tightens as he pulls me into an embrace. My head finds its place against his chest and I let out a quiet sob into his shirt, praying that God will freeze this moment so I never have to leave the safety of his arms.
"Hey, it's ok, everything will turn out alright." He sings the last few words.
His voice pulls me from my grief and coaxes a wave of ease to wash over my mind; I make note of how tense I am when I feel my body relax under his comforting words.
"Don't worry Baby?"
"Ooooo."
We lay there until the alarm screeches at us once more, demanding our attention.

By 0415 he has showered, we are both dressed, and I'm almost done making breakfast. The familiar sound of boots stepping purposefully through the house, echoes closer and closer until I can hear them, and the sliding of uniform material against itself, settle behind me. He takes a breath to speak,
"You don't have to do all this you know? It's really ok."
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you because I'm not listening. Besides, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full."
"What do you-"
Before he can finish his question, I turn and pop a piece of bacon into his mouth.
"So rude, tsk tsk." I mockingly scold him as he chews the bacon with an amusingly defeated look on his face.
"Go sit down love it's almost ready."

The meal is quick and silent; cleanup is pushed aside for another time as we are slightly behind schedule. Our truck-ride to the base bears more conversation than breakfast and under any other circumstances, I would be happy. When we step out of the car, I'm surprised by how cold it is and I wish I had brought another jacket with me. He seems to sense this as he wraps an arm around me while we walk towards the building that is clustered with soldiers. We arrive at the entrance of the facility and as he turns to face me, I know what's coming before he says a word.
"I'm afraid this is where I leave you...for now." He adds the last two words hesitantly. An uncertainty hangs in the air. He doesn't have to verbally address what he's so afraid of, I already know.
"For now." I shakily confirm, trying to convince myself it's the stone cold truth and nothing else.
I lift myself on my tiptoes and gently press my lips to his, then cherish the feeling of his arms closing around me as he returns my kiss affectionately.

He feels strong and safe around me. As we connect, my arms reach under his and I clutch onto the back of his uniform for dear life. His grip feels like the only thing keeping me grounded, real; if he hadn't been my anchor, I'm sure I would have crumbled away with the next gust of wind. It seems to finally register in my mind that the only man I trust with my life, the only person who has seen me at my weakest moments, the thing I love most in this world, is leaving me. I may never see him again. My thoughts are almost unbearable but I struggle to suppress them for the time being. I don't need to spend the last minute I have with him worrying and crying;
I need to savor this moment for as long as it can possibly last. In a desperate attempt to preserve my most detailed memories of him, I take a deep breath and try to remember his crisp scent and exactly how he feels against me. The thought of letting him go fills the pit in my stomach with dread, but I know it's coming soon.

With noticeable reluctance, he pulls away from me. It's time.
Planting my feet back on the ground and wiping a tear from my cheek I say, "I love you Thomas, be safe. You had better come back to me." More tears fall against my will, I can't seem to be strong for him when he needs me the most.
My thought is interrupted as I feel him hug me one last time. His breath hitches but I don't question it.
"I love you too Anna. I'll do my best to. I promise."
I let go of him once more.
"Your best is all I ask for. I'm proud to call you mine, now go make our country proud too."
"Yes ma'am. I'll see you soon."
He turns and walks through the door.

I watch him disappear into the crowd and wonder if I'll ever see him again. The next 18 months will be the most difficult of my life; I feel nothing can prepare me for the journey ahead, but I know the trials he'll face are even greater than my own. All I can be sure of is that when he comes home, I'll be here waiting for him, no matter what.