I remember this one day in music last year at my old school that had made me really mad. one day we were all talking about the concert that was going to happen around 6 pm, the teacher was talking about how we should act, what we should sing, and most importantly, what we should wear. ( at least the most important to me) now at this time, I was, and still am, that one weird emo child. I was also very insecure and me being insecure wanted to wear somthing I was comfortable in. around the end of class, the teacher ( who I am going to call Mrs. X) was talking about how she had some extra clothes for people to wear in case they don't have anything that matches the requirements. off course I did have some things that did match them but I did not want to wear them. the reason for that was becuase I wanted to wear what the guys were wearing, I had more than enough dresses I could wear but I never felt comfortable in them. so i decided to walk up to Mrs. X when the class was over to ask her if i could have somthing like that to wear. of course she decided to say " sorry Layla, we don't have any girl outfits left" this part really pissed me off. I know its not her fault she assumed that I wanted the girl outfit because, at the time, I still looked like a girl. so I just tried to forget about that, then I said: " no Mrs. X I was wondering if I could have a guys outfit." Mrs. X said somthing like " the boy's outfits are only for the boys, sorry." this was not the first time she has said I could not do somthing for the guys, one time in ,music we were picking for solos and I wanted to do this one where it was a guy voice saying " hey baby" and I asked if I could do that solo, and once again she said only guys could do it. in the next class, we had an assignment where we drew ourselves for somthing when I drew myself I made it where i was wearing the boy's outfit than I wrote a bunch of things I wanted to do things only guys could. and at the very top, I remember writing " what if I don't want to be a girl?" I forgot about the whole thing by the time school was almost out. and then I got home. at the time I was living with one of my aunts, I'm going to call her aunt t, once I got home I had to get ready for the music concert. the thing I was going to wear was a black and white dress. yeah, a dress. I really did not want to wear this. I didn't feel very comfortable wearing things that say I'm a girl anymore, and I had no idea why. I went into the bathroom to apply makeup, then I saw myself in the mirror. I looked like a girl. I had a plan to go to this thing and looking like a guy. I started to cry. aunt t walked in and asked what was wrong in the nicest way she could " why are you crying?" I told her the thing that nobody would ever believe, but I had no idea what else to say " I'm just tired" she knew it was a lie. she then asked me again, I wanted to tell her that I did not like what I saw in the mirror but I did not want to seem petty or whatever, and I knew she would not understand. then she thought the reason I did not want to go was becuase of anxiety, I mean it kinda was. i was having really bad anxity isews becuase i did not feel comfortable in how i looked. i wanted to look like how i felt, but i did not really understand that and i still dont. i ended up going to the concert in a dress. i was disapointed in myself. my uncle was anoyined that i " just did not want to go" i did want to go tho, i have been exited for this for a while but in my mid i imagined me going on the stage wearing pants and a dress shirt. too bad that never happend.
