Always Walking Alone

Part 1 Disappointments

I always remember feeling disappointed or confused or just plain out of place. Ive always felt too much of every emotion and seem to take on other peoples energies as well so my brain and body always feel like they are in a constant struggle when I'm in groups or crowds. The older the get, the more jaded I feel meh down and reminds me how sad and hard life really is. My anxieties started early and just like everyone else I blame my family. I sort of laugh at that last sentence because how long can you blame your family for your adult mistakes? But every time Im struggling and wishing I had something or someone to hold onto I find myself alone. My family doesn't give a fuck and they also made me trust no one so i dont allow anyone else to get close enough to comfort me either. I have mans best friend and this dog is one of the most genuine forms of love I know or have in my life. I truly look forward to seeing him everytime I come home, he loves all the same tv shows as me, he is the perfect cuddler doesn't make me feel stupid, ugly or unwanted. He is always so stoked to see me and literally gets sad when I leave, he loves me unconditionally and makes me comfortable and if I'm sad loves me harder instead of turning away or acting like im crazy. I don't know how to please myself or anyone else anymore and I'm struggling with that. I was way too worried about pleasing everyone else and now im not worried enough. I always feel like I'm only showing people pieces of myself and I want to show someone the real me. I know I won't be able too until I let go of all my fears and insecurities and sometimes i think I like that way. I want to stay detached and bitter because its easier and the utter devastation of disappointment isnt so prevalent. I expect things to go wrong and I expect very little from anyone else in my life so I stay stagnant and unfulfilled. I want to break my chains but then id have to tear myself wide open and trust someone. I tell everyone in my life to be vulnerable and open to experiences but I am so afraid to take my own advice.