Voicemail [#CupidsMatch2019]

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 ♥

I pressed play.

"Hey Alyona, it's me, Valentine."

His voice was soft, muffled by the sound of waves beating against a surface. I could easily picture him, his silhouette against a sunset-hit beach in Malibu, relaxed yet still tensed.

The last I saw him, I was handing him his coffee after he finished loading his bags into the back of his red Nissan. He said goodbye, but that was all. He got into his car and drove away. There was a look in his eye that I missed then, and only noticed later, a look of determination, maybe of sorrow, a look that I had when I confessed.

I have feelings for you, Valentine.

When I said those words to him then, I had the same expression that he did when he left. I didn't understand it, but I felt the pain days later in both instances.

"I made it to Malibu, the conference is good so far. Tomorrow's my day, Valentine's day," he laughed, but it was callous, "I hope you're doing okay. You know, we should come to Malibu together soon, it's nice here."

My heart fluttered, the pit in my stomach drank my sadness away. A part of me had this hope that he was going to talk about what I said a week before he left.

I had stared into a mirror that night, he hadn't come home yet.

I figured that maybe if I admitted it to myself, I'd be able to focus on my job rather than my diminishing love life. I said it until I had tears in my eyes. I felt euphoric saying it out loud, feeling every bit of relief accepting my feelings for him. But then there was the pain because he was unattainable, secretive, and I could only see him in the late hours of the night or at the break of dawn.

He walked in on me crying to myself, repeatedly saying "I have feelings for you, Valentine." I looked crazy, depressing but he showed no disgust, which was just like how I knew him to be. He didn't even respond, he just informed me that he got Chinese for dinner.

"I guess we haven't talked much, my fault mostly, but, um, are you busy? I tried calling you earlier, didn't pick up." His Irish accent had slipped through, it made me weak as usual.

"I'm sorry, I feel like I'm messing up a lot recently," he began, "I even screwed us up, how could I do that to you?" My hands were shaking now, I couldn't stand up without feeling faint.

"I didn't ignore you after, I swear. It's just that," he breathed shakily, and was silent for moments on end, "It's just that I'm making excuses. I was going to tell you that I was busy, my research was almost done. I was going to lie to you. I was going to tell you a lot of things to make up for not acknowledging the fact that you like me. Me, of all people, your roommate who's going to move out in a few months."

"Alyona, in all of my years, I've never met a woman, a person as intelligent, strong-willed, and you met me at a very strange time in my life and I wish I could tell you that I have feelings for you too without hurting you, and, I- I wish I could, I just, I want you." He croaked out his last words, his voice was raspy, uneven and I felt everything like he was beside me. My mind was tricking me into believing that I could feel his body heat, his voice in my ears, his ocean scent encaptivating me.

"I wish I could see you, Ally. Happy Valentine's day, in advance."

The beep was loud in my ears and it mixed with my drumming heart and heavy breathing and now my cries.

I pressed call, "Hey Valentine, it's me, Alyona."

♥  

(god i had to cut so much i wanna cry)