Rant

Prologue

Sometimes I fall into this existential dread where I feel small and irrelevant. The universe is massive and I am just a small particle inhabiting a planet filled with other particles superior than me. I am in this thing called 'life' and I was born with no meaning. I simply exist and I don't know why. Why am I here in this particular place? Does my life serve a purpose here and not somewhere else? Do I exist for a reason or am I here for multiple reasons. Will one reason carry out for as long as I live or shall my purpose change once time catches up to me. Maybe my purpose will change based on my destiny. Or maybe I have no destiny, and wherever I step opens a new route. But am I walking on my own, or am I following some device that takes me to where I am now? But it is possible that I'm wasting time pondering the meaning to my existence when I am just a small particle in a big universe who happens to inhabit a particular area. And that is the reason. I exist because it is a coincidence.

They say first impressions are important. I may have began with a bold statement of my insecurity of my existence, but I like to think that I am simply being myself. Anyways, I'm Jayden. I like to think I'm cool and intellectual when in reality I know very little about the world, given the fact that I am only eighteen years of age. And I won't deny it, but rather embrace my naivety. I think that the same naiveness is what will drive me to great places. I want to learn. I want to make mistakes. Yet I am the same dumbass who says 'lit' as an adjetive. Who the fuck says lit? I do because I'm an awkward prick.

But enough about my lack of intellect and existentialism. Segways are cool. And so are books. In many cases, an author will write about a particular time, setting, and plot. Author's create a fictional life to exploit. It's weird to think that our knowledge of a character is limited to what the author decides to write. A character's life does not start or end when a book starts or ends. I mean, they do, but if we were to look at it in a realistic point of view, then the character's life doesn't start or end. My point is that a character's life does not begin at sixteen years of age and ends at eighteen when the boy or girl he/she likes dates them. It is simply what the author chose to write about. The character has years of life ahead, yet what we know about this character's life is what is written. My life began the day I was born and it shall end when I die. My life does not depend on one problem, but rather a series of problems that occur the more I age. Yet, my mind is programmed to think that what is happening now is the only thing worth noting in my life. I have many years to age, how come I believe my current problems won't outmatch future problems?

Simple, I've never faced anything like this before.

Although my life will be a continuous plot, I've chosen to shed some light about this instant in my life. You see, every moment of my life is "crucial to the story." It is my life. It is not a book where only one period of my life is meant to be recognized. However, I cannot help but feel that right now, my life is worth noting.

Because even though there were so many times I questioned my existence and I thought a problem could not be solved, I feel it more than ever. I feel a dread, but one I've never felt and one I hope will not worsen. But I'm here. And I'm sad. I'm not in a good place. All I want to do is be fine.

It is cliche. But I think that life is a cliche. We came into this world to do stuff. Stuff that we can't do if we didn't exist. Stuff that authors write in books. In this case, I am the author of my life. I choose to write about now and not ten years from now. I choose to write about what I am going through now. Things I wish could only happen in books.