Who Says A God Can't Be A Hunter Too?

Chapter 19

I jerkily hurried forward, my heart pounding in my chest.

'I'll be okay.'

My breath seemed to catch in my throat as I ran, the feeling a type of heavy weight that pressed down on my chest; I felt like I was being suffocated, and not for the first time in my life, I was at a complete loss at what to do next.

'I'll be okay.'

I could feel the prickling sting of tears as they gathered in the corners of my eyes, following a choked sob that escaped past my lips. A dull ache below my rib cage began to resonate with each footfall; a silent, painful protest to the sudden strain I was putting on my body.

'I'll be okay...'

I repeated the same words in my head over and over again with each step, pushing myself farther and farther away from the inevitable that I knew lay behind me. I had to keep running – running... when wasn't I running? But running kept me safe.
It kept me alive, it kept me safe, it kept me okay.

I'd be okay. I knew I'd be.

Because – I just sacrificed someone to save myself.

I shuddered; a pain that was far from physical rolled off my skin in waves as I began to slow, my legs burning from navigating the winding forest. I could taste the salt of my own tears as they slid silently down my cheeks, my thoughts beginning to spin out of control and fall into complete turmoil.

I had just sacrificed someone to save myself – once again, I had run away in the face of danger and left someone else to perish.

Once again, I had surely led someone die because I was too weak.

The realization stopped me in my tracks.

The world that constantly spun around me until it was a blur finally seemed to come to a halt, and my mind cleared of everything besides the one thing I wanted to avoid thinking of the most.

I had just...sacrificed someone, to save my own life.

I led a man to his death - if I had gone in a different direction, if I had taken a different path, if I had just decided to face him head on!

Shame overwhelmed me. No matter how I tried to delude myself, the truth was still there - flaming and apparent. Even if no one was around to witness it, it still didn't change anything. The truth that I was scared, that I was weak, could not be denied by anyone. Not even myself.

I became silent for a moment, barely able to contain furious trembling, before I raised my hands to land a stinging flat-palmed blow on either cheek.

What a joke!

What purpose did I have then? What reason was there for me to be alive? My entire life I've been raised to protect and to care for others – that was my duty! And yet, I couldn't do something as simple as that.

"Why do I have to be so weak?!"

Another fresh set of tears fell from my eyes as I screamed out, voicing my anger at myself to the world around me. I bit down on my lower lip harshly as I rubbed at my eyes, wiping away the unwanted tears of self-pity. They have never done me any good, and I hardly believed that they would now.

I'm weak – nothing about that has changed. Even with all my training to get stronger, what good has it done? When it comes to fight or flight, I've always turned tail and ran... because I'm scared. I'm scared of fighting, I'm scared of being hurt, and I'm scared of death. What good am I to anyone if I can't get over my own fear of failing? I want to protect those who are close to me, those who are important – but I can't get over worrying about myself. Not once have I ever thrown caution to the wind and disregarded my own safety to save someone else...because I'm weak.