Every Breath You Take

February 14, 2018

I quickly walked over the icy sidewalk, almost slipping on the edge, as I stepped into the day old snow.  The cold breeze swept over my face, seeming to freeze the tears as they slid down my cheeks while I quietly sobbed walking to my car.  I wait for the stupid Chevy Tundra to pass by me before I cross the street, gasping in the cold air the entire way.  I reach for the handle to my blue Honda Civic, only to realize that I had locked the door, and I forgot the keys back in the school.  "Fuck, fuck fuck fucking fuck my life!" I sobbed, turning around and beginning the walk back.  As I continued walking back up to  the high school, I stared at the bright letters lighting the building up.  BEHS, and then underneath that, Box Elder High School.  I hated this place.  I kept walking up to the crosswalk, pushing one foot in front of the other. "Left, Right, Left, Right," I'd make it back at some point.  "Left, Right, Le-" my thought was cut off as I suddenly caught sight of what had caused all this.

The group of teenage boys, laughing and jeering loudly, but they hadn't seen me yet.  I know, how cliche, the weird teenage girl hiding from the group of popular boys. I'm not cliche though, I'm not just hiding from anyone, I'm hiding from Scott, the leader, the kid who never takes anything seriously.  He had a way of making people laugh at what you were most insecure about, then making you cry about it later.  Then there was Johnny.  Johnny was a country kid, who had kissed enough girls, it made you wonder if his lips  were dusted with cocaine.  But the one I'm hiding from is Eric.  The kid who was definitely good enough to be in a crowd better than this one, but he just wanted to be accepted.  I watched him laugh with his friends as I ducked behind the nearest car.  They seemed so carefree, as I observed Eric's curls bounce with every step he took.  "Alright, well sorry your crazy girlfriend had to ruin the night, Eric!" Scott shouted, parting from the group to move toward his truck. Eric chuckled, "Aw Scotty, she isn't crazy, that would be a disorder, she's a psycho!" they laughed as Eric moved towards me, and I realized in horror that the car I was hiding behind was his.  With Scott and Johnny gone, Eric walked around the side of the car to get in, and raised his eyebrows when he saw me. 

"Eliza, I thought you'd be gone by now," he said, surprised.  "I tried to be, but I left my fucking keys in the school," I sniffled, shivering from the cold.  "Have you been crying?" his tone was almost empathetic.  Something I never heard in front of his friends.  "You ought to know, you did this to me," "Li, I'm sorry.  You know how the guys are.  And maybe it's just better this way." He reached out to me, bringing me in under his arm.  He was so warm, and I could feel the heat and empathy radiating off of him. I pull away.  "You're sorry? You invite me to your choir concert on Valentine's day, keep me waiting for 45 minutes, and make me come find you, with all your friends talking shit on me, and you making out with Ally, and you're sorry? Eric you told them all that you didn't invite me.  That I had just showed up, that I was crazy.  Am I crazy Eric?"  "Eliza of course you aren't crazy! I don't know why I said that, you know how things get.  Just get in the car, we'll talk this over.  We don't even have to tell anyone we did." "Oh right, don't tell anyone so that they don't know you're still dating the crazy girl who ruins the night," I step back and notice my patriots lanyard barely sticking out of his pocket. "Do you have my keys?" I ask.  He sighs, rolling his eyes, "Yes.  But we need to talk first." "I'm done talking, give me my fucking keys," "You'll get your keys when I say so!" He steps forward, grasping my arm harshly.  I feel myself starting to shake as I slowly look up and meet his gaze.  "You know what? Take the keys, I'm fucking done with you," He spits, shoving me onto the frozen asphalt. "Wait, Eric please, don't leave me.  Eric I can't live without you." I plea.  "Then don't." He says, opening the car door, and driving away. 

Everything is numb.  I walk to my car and drive home.  The lights are off, and I leave them off.  I climb the stairs, passing through the house, and walking into the shower.  I turn the water on, allowing it to heat up as I walk back to the kitchen, grabbing a knife from the drawer.  I open the shower door, still fully clothed, and sit on the tile.  I pull the knife up, leveling it with my wrist.  And I cry.  Uncontrollably, sobbing, and gasping for air, gasping for life.  I bring the knife across my wrist once, not even breaking the skin, just creating a stinging sensation.  I do it again.  And again.  And again.  And finally, I break the skin.  Blood, thick, red, and shiny begins to pour out.  Again.  It runs down my arm, trickling, and tickling my arm, as this was an unfamiliar sensation to me.  Again.  It pools and stains my jeans, coloring them a dark maroon as I observe it spreading across my lap.  Again.  I stare off into the distance as the blood circles the drain, swirling and trailing away from me.  Other wrist.  I hear the garage door open, someones home.  I continue, while crying.  I cry for the life I could have lived, I cry for the love Eric only pretended to have for me, I cry for the reactions I knew were to come in only a few moments, and I continued to sob.  I stare at the ceiling as I feel my breathing become more labored.  The light bulb above me began to glow brighter, as I watched the dark spots at the edges of my vision close in.  A warmth washes over me, as for the first time in a long time, I begin to feel at peace.  I shut my eyes, and allow the warmth and the light to flood my senses. 

There's a crash.  I'm trying to see, but my eyes won't open.  They're too heavy.  Someone opens them for me.  Mom.  She's shouting something to my Dad, but I can't hear it.  It's like trying to listen to someone outside, while you're sitting inside of a car.  She's crying.  She yells something else at my dad and he nods, on the phone.  She's cradling me now.  Holding my hand, and squeezing it tightly.  Let me go, I try to say, but my voice doesn't work.  "Hold on, please hold on, don't leave me Eliza, I can't do this without you," She begs.  I use all the strength in my body to give her hand one, tiny squeeze.  I can't do this to her.  The sounds of the sirens flood my eardrums, as I hear more people enter the house.  They're coming, so now I can rest.