Waking Up

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I used to enjoy life now I don't know if I ever want to live again. Everyday is a struggle. Waking up is the worst and yet the best torture I have to face daily.

It's been 3 months since I was diagnosed with depression, and a year before that since that accident. I haven't talked to anyone because I really don't want others to pity me. Life was hard and I don't know how to face this.

No one knows about my condition so I need to get a hold of myself and act as normal as possible. It's the first day of class this semester and I had to meet new faces in school. I gathered my stuff for school put on my best smile and went downstairs.

"Good morning ma!" i greeted my mom cheerily.

"Bella you seem really excited, ready for school?" she asked smiling at me.

"Of course ma," i replied but if only she knows how scared I am to go back.

I quickly ate my breakfast, kissed my mom goodbye and walked to school. I enjoy walking, it really helps me think. As i go neat I saw some familiar faces greeting each other and i felt a pang in my heart when I realized I have no one waiting for me or anyone I'm looking forward seeing.

I was not a loner. I used to be the jolliest person you'll meet. I was the friendliest in my group and everyones'' buddy. But that was all in the past. This is my new reality. I'm the Bella with no friends and has no intention of having anyone close to me.

As I pass the hallways I remember seeing myself laughing with my friends, chatting in the corridors, and just enjoying myself. A tear escaped my eye. I was near my room when I just stopped. I can't take another step. It is too hard for me to face this, it's just way too painful. Before I could disagree with myself I turned and went running out of school.

"Bella you are so stupid!" I scolded myself. I sighed knowing I am going to regret what I had just done.

I can't go back home, mom would be expecting me to enjoy returning to school.     Call me stupid, I know I am, but people won't understand If I try to explain the anxiety I feel towards going back to school.

I can't contain what I was feeling and had a breakdown while walking away. I went to the safest place I know, the church.

I stayed there for a while until I calmed down. I just hope tomorrow will be better.

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