The struggle of acceptance

The Struggle of Acceptance

When I got the news that you were gone I denied every moment.

The one I comforted and Cradled disappeared.

I rushed to the crime scene and saw your body I cried out.

Fix my boy Jesus, Fix my boy Jesus.

I begged the police to let me see you but they just pushed me out the way and put you in a bag.

That Smile, Personality, and Aura I felt when you were alive disappeared.

All I saw was a soulless husk that was filled with bullets and some couldn't recognize you.

Do you remember that high school photo I took of you?

You were embarrassed at first because you said you didn't want to take pictures.

But I pestered you to do it and I saw was that beautiful smile that gave me life.

Your dad would have been proud to see you all grown up.

But to think that both of my angels died the same way it hurts to the core

So I went to the mortician office to beg him to fix my boy to the way I SAW you

Some saw you as a cocky and arrogant person I saw you as an angel from heaven given form

But when I saw the price all I could say was "Jesus"

I begged Jesus for a miracle but haven't received a response

So like any parent would do I want the best for my child

I told the mortician fix him please, please fix him.

I wonder how many days past like this.

I remembered you told me that your favorite season was winter.

You liked the snow, chillness, and Snowflakes.

Winter came and I'm cracking on the inside.

I cried "Please come back!!!!! PLEASE!!!!"

The only thing that made me feel like I deserved to be here gone

Many People told me to move on and that he wasn't coming back

But they never experience the pain I felt

It's like your soul got pushed out your body just to shatter

But I Question myself thinking could I have did better with my son?

Every since my husband died I have been losing myself

I began flirting with men, Doing Drugs, Getting drunk and smoking

You asked and pleaded for stop and one time you took my cigar and alcohol

I became infused with anger and beaten you because you were trying help me

All you did was smile and hug the mess you call your mother.

You headed towards the door saying that you were going to get groceries

I had a feeling you weren't but "I DIDN"T STOP YOU"

You could have been alive if I stopped you

Maybe If I was better as a mother things like this wouldn't have happened!!

But what is the point of life if you aren't here with me?

You told me once that "Even if I'm not here I want you to live and be as happy you can be.

But...But...YOU.....DON"T....GET...IT!!!!!

I AM THE CAUSE OF YOUR DEATH!!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TEARS CRY AT NIGHT OVER YOU HUH!!!!!!

MAYBE IF I WAS A BETTER PARENT NONE OF THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN!!!!

I'M LOSING MY SANITY OVER YOU!!!!!

I AM LOSING ALL THE ONES I LOVE!!!!

IT SEEMS LIKE GOD DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE

THEN IF HE DOES WHY DID HE TAKE ONE THE I LOVE AWAY FROM ME?!!!!

After that moment I realized this is my punishment for not being a good mother

Now I can finally see I need Mental Help so I decide to head to the therapist

But that didn't end well she implied this is my fault and I took that the wrong way like usual

Well I can see why people aren't around me anymore because I like to hear what I like

I don't take others advice or opinion into consideration

Deeper and Deeper, The wound just gets deeper

The deeper it is the harder it is to find a way out

The Feeble you, who receive the punishment for my crime

It should have been me instead of you

You had a bright future and was about to get married to the girl of your dreams

Now you're leaving her stranded on the altar

Maybe it's time to let you go rest

It's time for me to heal the deep wounds that need to turn into scars

Not everything last forever

Be Grateful for everything you have and don't complain over simple things

Everything can disappear in front of your very eyes like my son and husband

But acceptance is the hardest cycle of life....The way people move on is fine

The people that move on so fast sickens me...it's like it didn't bother them

But people move on at their pace and that's them

But at least take a good moment to mourn

But now it is time to move on

See you later son I hope you happy life in a better place

Because there might be a chance I might not make it there with you

Thank you for so much

I love you so much

Then she took her last drink, smoke, and drug

And it wasn't God or Her son she was going to be seeing