Feels Like Family

Chapter 2

I never knew my dad. When he left, I was too little to remember him. I did ask mom about him but every time I did so, either the conversation didn’t continue or it didn’t end well. So eventually I just stopped asking. Mom was always nice to me but it only ever lasted if I listened to her well. I didn’t mind because nothing bad actually happened from doing so. I did have things I wished to do but I just never mentioned anything since I knew mom wouldn’t approve of them. All she ever wanted me to put effort into was my studies. For that reason, my grades are more or less always high enough to impress her at least.

I thought we were okay with the life we had since mom never really showed to feel anything otherwise. But I guess she too, needed some company. I was still pretty young when mom started dating again and not too long after, they got married. I was happy, since I was finally about to have a father. But what I didn’t know was that I was going to have an elder brother too. Mom never mentioned Hongseok hyung to me and it didn’t seem like something to think about before but now I understand, she never liked talking about him. I got along with hyung quite quickly because he was so nice and caring to me. He was the same as his dad. Father looked after me as if I was his own and hyung loved me like he had known me since I was born. I was so happy to see that I meant so much to them but, mom could never accept hyung.
I never understood why she acted that way with him and she kept telling me “Be a good boy, don’t worry about him because you’ll be the better man”. I used to think she said that for my benefit but, I could never come to compete with hyung. Mom always kept boasting whenever I did something better than him and all hyung ever did was be proud of me. He’s always just so proud of me. I always wonder how he can bear not to resent me. Father used to treat us the same but sometimes, he gave more attention to him. It’s not like I ever felt bad because he always kept showing that he loved me. But I could understand why he was more attached to hyung… he just gave hyung the love my mom never did.

Father once gave hyung the bigger toy for his birthday and mom made a huge scene about it, kept on saying how he didn’t love me because I wasn’t his own blood and what not. I was old enough to understand things but I never felt like making a fuss over a birthday present, more so since hyung let me play with his things all the time so it didn’t really matter in the end. But that day after mom had calmed down and gone to their bedroom, father came to me and I still remember his face from that night. Hyung was already asleep so father just sat next to me on my bed and whispered “Changgu-yah, always remember that I love you but-” before pausing a bit and then after looking at hyung, he continued “he has been through so much and I always feel like no matter how much I try, everything falls short” and I could see the pain on his face. It was just… very genuine. He continued “Will you forgive me for being a bit selfish at times?” and I could not say no. I guess I understood back then too but it just kept getting clearer with time.

But when Yan An came into the picture, things got a whole lot worse. It quite literally hit us all like a storm. He was my age but he looked younger, thinner and more pale. When his mother begged to keep her son with us, it was the worst thing to watch. But mom just didn’t want to give up. She kept insulting both her and father as all we kids kept quiet. Yan An looked furious beyond reason and I couldn’t blame him. But I now realize the pain he must’ve felt that day. A few days later, was the last time he saw his mother. Suddenly being pushed into an unknown family, living with people who had nothing to do with him since a while back… it was a nightmare to him. I tired to talk to him and so did hyung but nothing good came out of it. He always kept quiet unless he absolutely had to speak. Even today, at father's funeral, he didn’t speak a word to me. Both hyung and I thought he might not go but not only did he visit, he helped out with everything.

There was this awkward silence between us and people started chatting about it too. To the outside world, we were normal brothers but to Yan An, I was no less than a nuisance. I get it, I get that I irritate him but I can’t help but care. Then mom asked me to come to meet father’s colleagues and she started introducing me to them with a smile on her face. It felt so wrong. It was a funeral, hyung was standing right next to us but getting completely ignored and whenever they asked to be introduced to Yan An, mom just waved away the topic. “He’s busy” she said and I felt furious at that moment. But I couldn’t say a word. Hyung kept quiet and respecting his decision, I thought I should too. After the elders left, mom wanted me to go and check the guest arrangements… but I left too late. I had just gone out of the room when I heard hyung's voice and I just stopped at my place. “Why are you always like this with Yan An” is what he was saying before mom interrupted him by saying “I am not discussing this with you, know your place”.

I just stood there, shocked at her answer. Know his place, he is our brother. He has every right to ask that question and I felt pathetic that I couldn’t go in and do the same. Father was always the only one who loved us all and even though mom was never bad too me, I despised her for treating both hyung and Yan An like that.

But what am I supposed to do… how do I even begin to apologize to the two of them. God, how can I even call them my family if I can’t even fight for them…