innocent.

one.

31.10.14
— dear diary,

i think i like jisung. i like him a lot. being around him makes me anxious, but at the same time i want to be around him all the time. he makes me feel safe, and protected, but at the same time my stomach twists whenever i hug him or touch him, and the mix of feelings makes my anxiety worse, and i'm a mess around him. it's horrible and i wish i hadn't fallen for him.

his smile lights up seoul, and his laugh sounds like a fairy's and he's so sweet, kind, caring and funny. he's so cute, it makes me want to fluff his hair and... wrap him up in a blanket and feed him mochi, and give him kisses and hold his hand! he's beautiful, and funny and caring, he's the best friend i could ask for. i feel like he's a gift from god, just for me. he's an angel. only an angel would have that smile.

he knows about my anxiety, and he helps me through it. i remember, a few days after i told him, i was on his phone and found him googling anxiety tips to help me. when i found that, i was so happy, because nobody has ever done that for me, and it made me feel like he really cares. that alone shows he's a really good friend, right?

it's so frustrating, especially when he's so close to me all the time and does things in a friendly way, and i have to hide my emotions so i don't ruin our friendship. nobody knows. i don't want them to know, and everything fall apart. but it's getting so hard to keep hiding it. i feel as though i may say something soon. he never shuts his curtains. he lives across from me, and i see him on his xbox until 2am. i also see him being all cute and giggly by himself. i swear, i'm not a stalker - it's just really hard to not look, when he's so cute.

i will have to say something soon, i know i will. he's going to catch me staring, or blushing, and it'll be a mess. either that, or i can keep it inside of me forever and not risk ruining our friendship. i've known him since i was a baby and couldn't imagine my life without him. that's why it's so scary to tell him, or think about telling him, in case it goes wrong and i lose him. but every thought of him makes my love for him grow.

— chenle ♡