letter to my one and only love

I.

How did I let you have power over me, how did I let you destroy me, how did I loose myself while loving you, yeah you were my first love and my heart and my soul breaks everytime I hear your name, my thoughts run wild when I think 'bout you and what we had but I mean did we have something? Was it just one sided? My side? Love is hard to find, love is hard to keep and love is hard to forget, you are hard to forget, every night for the past 9 months since you left me alone I've cried and died and broke, I've changed for the better for you when you were in my arms but now you have left and I am now missing you and missing the thought of your lips against mine and the feeling of your hand in mine I've changed for the worse, I am nothing but a damaged soul, my ribs hurt from how fast and hard my heart beat races, my throat burns from trying to keep quite while my eyes feeling dopey and burn from crying all night. When I'm high I try to forget you and our memories but the only thing I remember is you and only you, I forget my own name, I look for you every where I go even if your not there I still have hope but you never show up, I remember falling in love with you it took me 4 weeks 4 fucking weeks and I was in love, you kissed me and then I knew I only ever wanted to kiss you every other kiss I had meant nothing to me your kisses meant the most to me, I remember your hand fitting perfectly on my waist, I remember the smile you gave me after every kiss and every time you looked at me. You didn't commit to me the way I wanted you too, I gave my all to make sure you were happy, safe and secure, I'll come to terms one day why you left but for now I'm a broken soul over a boy who never was completely mine, I'm bitter to everyone these days because I'd rather be bitter than to deal with the pain I feel. I miss the moments when we would stare into each other's eyes and not speak because we knew no words needed to be said, even if everyday I die and break inside I still will hope for the best for you in life.

I hate that you were apart of my best moments in life, I hate myself for loving you, I hate myself for letting you in and trusting you, I hate the joys we shared I hate the endless moments and days we have shared and I most certainly hate myself for still loving you and for still letting you destroy me with just the thought of you. I hate to hold your hand just for you to let go, I hate the fact you never loved me so or never did at all, we were going through hardship but I thought we would get through it but I guess you had other plans....

You left.

I didn't think you would regardless of the first time you leaving me because the night before you told me you were in love with me, no matter how loving, caring, thoughtful, wise and kind I am you would've found your way to leave and I guess you found your way.

Loving you is the hardest but powerfulest thing I have ever done.