The mind is a very key aspect to our emotions. It controls the basic senses of our lives. Our thoughts, our feelings, emotions and most importantly our response. When presented a situation, the outcome is not determined by some set ending condition, but rather our response to the issue at hand. Sometimes most people regret the choice they made in order to resolve the matter. Unfortunately, irregardless of the choice you made, it was still a choice.
Choices are not easy, they are hard. Choices start in everyday life with choosing whether or not to get out of bed, whether to hit snooze on your alarm or actually start your day. However, choices are responses that our mind presents us and we take whichever one seems most convenient. We can choose our own fate in this world, we can choose how far we want to go in life, though with some restriction, we choose if we want to make something more of ourselves.
The biggest choice however that any one person can make in their life is who they decide to surround themselves with. Those few individuals we surround ourselves with can aid in success or result in failure. We choose to let people in, we choose who gets to know what of our lives. Now, what happens when people force themselves in? What happens when it wasn't your choice of what information they knew because they forced themselves in. Ultimately that is the choice of character.
Giving in, an important aspect in the way of how we are. Our character is our definition of ourselves. Sometimes they are broken down by other people, sometimes they are brought up by some remarkable individuals.
All of this ties in to the repeating issues most young people face today, depression and suicide rates continue to grow, and well this is my story;
I'm at a war with my mind. When I was young it was never the issue of what I knew was wrong and what I perceived as right. I was never questioned as to if I could ever be a good friend to someone. But the fact of the matter is is that I feel now the pressure of the war in my mind that goes on day by day. There of course is one special person in my life, we have been together now for a while and well, through hardship, pain and regret we were able to find our paths were able to cross once more. In all honesty it was in the initial split between us that I never thought I would be with them again, all hope seemed lost kind of situation. But irregardless here we are now. For the first time in three years we were able to see each other again, the butterflies in my stomach were true, the smile on my face wide, the tears in my eyes genuine. My heart was happy to find its other half again. Then I left once more, and as the distance grew, in the back of my mind so did the fear of what could happen when I was away. Being there for someone is one thing, but being there a thousand miles away is another
Distance is something that definitely kills a blossoming romance between two people, however if both people are committed, it would never be an issue. But what if the issue was never something that was an issue of distance, what if the problem was you?
The situation being, You know you want this person with all your heart, you know they are definitely someone you want to be with. But irregardless you feel like youre doing nothing but push them away. I know I do not have a reasonable excuse, so that's why I have no excuses. I know that I am the issue. The issue being is that I cannot trust myself enough to trust that everything on your end is all of what it seems to be. I'm so scared of loss, I don't know what to do. I honestly can't think straight, I can't think of what I want to do without wanting you to be a part of it. You're the biggest part of my life now. You're so damn special to me. I never want to lose you. I just can't.
However, if you were so damn special to me, why do I try and control you, why do I feel as if I can't trust any of your friends, why does it feel like I can never approve of what you wear, why does it feel as if I can't let you be you? The answer to all these questions can be summed up with one word: Relativity. Now that may not be the answer you were looking for. However it is believed in my mind that the relativity to these problems in a relationship is that they don't. How you look doesn't relate to happy we are. How your friends don't affect my trust with you because I trust you to do the right thing. I know that no matter what all of the issues we are having don't relate to what actually matter. And because of that, the reward of my actions is that you are scared to talk to me, you're scared that anything you do is going to upset me, you're scared to overstep your boundaries because I have you on such a tight leash.
I can't do this anymore...
I can't deal with the petty arguments anymore...
I can't deal with people talking bad about me because of the words I say.
I don't wanna be that side of me anymore, that side of me needs to be pushed away as fast as I can possible get that side of me away. It doesn't matter what you do, what you wear, who you talk to, or how you want to live your life. You are an individual who deserves their own rights to be who they want to be. I guess all I need to learn to do now is just STFU about it. Your feelings are important to me. Your emotions are important to me. But do you know what is the most important thing to me?
Your smile...
Waking up to that smile, seeing you smile is the damn most single important thing I love seeing. Your laugh, everyday that's something I work towards seeing. The smile on your face, combined with the twinkle of hope and love in your eyes are some of the most important things I yearn to see everyday. I know sometimes its hard, and life gets down, but honestly not everyday is going to be your worse day. Things do get better, the sun still rises, the flow of income still flows, the ability to smile is always still present.
There is a war within my mind that sometimes it feels like I cannot control. But in reality it is. I know that it all comes down to a choice as to what bothers me and what I let pass. But, I let everything bother me unfortunately. I don't have freedom as much as I use to, but that too was ultimately a choice. I know that if I never made some of the choices I made it would've never have led to use getting back together.
I know sometimes things are going to get hard, I know things are going to get tough. I know there are going to be some moments where we just want to give up, throw in the towel and wish that we had never even spoken to each other. But I honestly know that in my heart you are the one that I know I want to be with. Now how can I say that? We haven't been together that long...
But it was all that time that we have merely known each other. Three years is a long time, its longer than any else I've had in this mere short life.
My heart aches for improvement, I yearn to be a better man. to be better for both of us.
I sit here now writing on this computer in the mere hours in the night knowing that this isn't going to change your opinion of me or anything really. But I know where my heart is, and that s with you. I cannot write anymore at this time as I'm nearing the end of my energy span. But, I know this, I love you more than you'll ever know. And that is not a statement. That is a fact.
