chapter 1
my life is over.
Behind the morphine dreams is the nightmare of reality.
A reality that I can't face.
I cry myself back to sleep,wishing,pleading, praying that I will wake up from this, but the same nightmare always awaits me.
"shhhh," my mother wispers "it will be ok." but her eyes are swollen and red, and I know that she dosnt belive what shes saying.
My father --- now that's a different story.He dosent even try to lie to me.Whats the use? Ge know what this means.
My hopes, my dreams, my life...its over.
the only obe who seems unfazed is Dr. Wells. "Hello there, Jessica!" he says.I don't know if its day or night.the second day or the first."how are you felling?"
I just stare at him. What am I supposed to say, fine?
He inspects my chart. "So lets have a look, shall we?"
He pulls the covers off my lap, and I fined my self face to face with the truth.
My right leg has no foot.
No ankle.
No shin.
Its just my thigh,my knee,and a stump wraped in a mountain of gauze.
My eyes flood with tears as Dr. Wells removes the bandages and inspects his handi work. I turn away, only to see my mother fighting back tears of her own."it'll be okay," she tells me, holding tight to my hand. "we'll get through this."
Dr. Wells is maddeningly cheerful."This looks exellent,Jessica. Nice vascular flow, Good color... Your already healing beautifully."
I glance at the monstrosity beliw my knee.
Its red and boldging at the end.Fat staples run aroind my stump like a big ugly zipper, and the skin I stained dirty yellow.
"How the pain?" He Asks." Are u maniging okay?"
I wipe away my tears and nod, because the pain in my leg is nothing compared to the one in my heart.
None of their meds will make that one go away.
He goes on, cheerfully. " Ill order a shrinker sock to controll the swelling.Your residual limb will be very tender for a while, and applying the shrinker sock may be uncomfertible at first, but its important to get tou into one. Reducing the swelling and shaping your limb is the first step in your rehabilitation."A nurse apperares to re-bandige me as he makes notes in my chart and says,"A prosthetist will be in later today to apply it."
Tears continue to run down my face.
I don't seem to have the strenght to hold them back.
Dr. Wells softens. "The surgery went beautifully, Jessica." He says this lik he is trying to soothe away reality."And considering everything, your actually very lucky. Your alive, and you still have your knee, which makes a huge difference in your future mobility.BKamputees have it much eaisier than AKamputees.
"BK? AK?" my mom asks.
"Im sorry," He says turning ro my mother." Below knee. Above knee. In the world of prosthetic legs, its a critical difference." He prepares to leave." There will obviously be an adjustment period, but Jessica is young and fit, and I have full confidunce thay she will return to her completily normal life."
My mother nods, but she seems dazed. Like shes wishing my father was there to help he obsorb whats being said.
Dr. Wells dlashes gis final smile at me."focus on the possitive, Jessica. We will have you up and walking again in short order."
This from the man who sawed off my leg.
He whooshes from the room, leaving the dark, heavey cloud of the unspoken behind.
My mother smiles and coos reassuringly, but she knows what I'm thinking.
What does it matter.
Ill never run again.
