Build your empire, assign the roles, rule your kingdom. At the end of the day, bridges will be burned and someone will be left in the ruins.
I spend too often blaming myself or defending others to ever take notice of what's right in front of me. Leaving one alone with their mind can bring up some undesired thoughts and very unwanted realities. I have come to the conclusion that in a game of chess, I wouldn't be the tactical queen, valiant knight, the wise bishop nor the king under siege. You might think perhaps that the pawn is more fitting, but no. The pawn is not the case either, for if I was a pawn placed on that checkered board I would be of some value. In life I would be lucky to even be a square upon that board. To be walked upon and toyed with would be my purpose, for the world is cold, cruel and quite frankly a hellish place. I'm of no importance to the game of life.
I'm neither comforted nor considered by friends. To family I'm but a teenage leech feasting on their food and bank account. I find little acceptance in either group. A social outcast amongst friends. I am different, to the point of being irritating to them. I am but a dog, a mongrel amongst their pure-bred likeminded friends. I struggle to harmonise with their standards, and sometimes being original and creative is too abnormal for them. They'd rather disassociate themselves. As for family, what is there to say ? An alcoholic father who went out of the picture during my adolescence. His idea of parenting is buying my love with unwanted materialistic offerings. His jokes are un-amusing but I find myself laughing in fear of disappointing him. All I wish is for him to be proud. On the other hand in my mother who is so self absorbed she feels my problems and feelings are unimportant and exaggerated. We clash on many subjects, although I can't tell if this is due to similarities or differences. As for siblings, there is only one on the list. An older brother. How bad can that be ? Not that bad. Unless of course yours happens to be an over aggressive recovering drug addict who made your life a living hell after your father left. The funny thing about all that though is that fact my father and brother aren't even related. Although truth be told my brothers father is an arrogant asshole who couldn't be bothered to correct nor get involved with his son unless he has some personal gain from it. I don't expect a happy family like in the fairytales, because in those stories the kids are usually orphans ... Nonetheless I know happy ending are rare if even possible.
Recently something has just really hit me, hard. I haven't had work in over a month, I have little to no money, the idea of college just seems so impossible and I just don't feel right. I lay in bed at night unable to sleep. I toss and turn constantly and just when I think I'm about to finally sleep .. I open my eyes. I wake up sore and drained, I'm unmotivated and exhausted. I either binge eat or starve myself depending on my mood. I sit on the couch most of the day and just watch tv in the hopes of feeling better, but I never do. I've never felt more empty or numb in my entire life. I can't make a day without crying or having a breakdown. I cry until the weeping is silent and my sleeves are drenched in tears. I hit myself repeatedly, hoping to finally feel something but I'm unsuccessful. I feel sedated and in a trancelike state most days. It's getting harder and harder to smile, to keep up the act. I survive on KFC and a concoction of different pills just to try and help the pain go away.
This is me at my lowest point. I've isolated myself away from the world. I try to occupy myself by writing music and painting pictures. It's funny how creative you can become when you feel so low and desperate for something to go right in your life. I need distractions from the countless thoughts of negativity. The suicidal ideation, the harmful thoughts. As someone with a past history of self harm I'm surprised I haven't given in yet. There was always something so comforting about the aching, the stinging deep in the flesh, the warm trickling of red down a cold numb yet tingling arm. The faint drip, drip, drip.
I'm also aware self harm is more than slitting your wrists. It's not letting yourself be warm when your body is freezing. It's starving yourself to the point of being too weak to move. It's overeating to the point of making yourself vomit. It's everything and anything to punish yourself because you always assume deep down in your soul that you're the problem. You never allow yourself to be the victim because you're too much of a 'bad' person for that to ever happen. You know the world will never accept you and you've learned to almost be comfortable believing that because that's what they want you to believe. You'll never fit their standards, you'll never blend in and you'll never be the favourite. Unless.., unless for once you put yourself first. You learn to love yourself and care for yourself before loving and caring for another, because who can lift the world off another persons shoulders if you can barely lift your own spirits ? You need to fight because one day you're going to run out of time before you're ready to go and who will save you then ?
As bad as things are you need to realise that at the end of the day, even if there's no one at your side, you'll be there for yourself, because you deserve to be happy. We only get one life and we need to make the most of it while we have the chance. So screw the fakers and the people who make you feel like shit, because their day will come, and they'll see what the put you through and it'll be too late.
Don't pity yourself. Prepare yourself.
