Feelings And Emotions

What did I do??

What did I do to deserve this?  Losing you,  getting heartbroken, Getting stabbed in the back!!  You may say not to blame anyone but myself,  but you don't know how I feel.  When I at least try to talk to you you're so cold to me.  I love you and my feeling won't change.  I know you may see me as a bad person right now, but, I just need you,  you don't know how hard I tried to make you mine again. Then to find out you're dating one of our friends again. You get mad at me because the girl that likes me gets shut out.  I'm still growing up.  So I learned from you! You tell me you want me to be real to you, so when I get real with you, why are you acting so cold to me??  I learned from everyone else too. If I just go ahead and cut you may seem to care once,  but after that you're over there cuddling him.  And leaving me over here hurt.  You don't know how much you're hurting me,  And how much guilt I have already just because I don't like the one who would do anything for me. She tries and tries just like I am with you.  Yeah I treated you wrong last year but that doesn't mean I can't change,  I don't have regrets,  I cry because I can't hold you and tell you that I love you.  I even had chance to kiss you but I blew it. I could've texted you all Summer telling you that I loved you so fucking much.  But I didn't.  You don't think I regret that all?  You don't think it  hurts me like it hurts you?  But do you think that doing what you're doing now isn't hurting me?  Yeah I understand that Someone likes me.  But I've been driven to a point where you flirted and my face was a fucking tomato, made me sit on your lap. You almost tried kissing me a few times,  But I didn't let you.  Because you had a girlfriend. I didn't want people to give you any looks or you end up heartbroken. Because I love you.  Remember when we cuddled on the bus?  And we'd tell those people off everytime and laugh about it when they left?  Remember when we'd always hug for so long until we got in trouble by the teachers? Remember all of the "baby,  I love you" 's and all the "I love you senpai~" 's?  Remember every,  every weekend all of the stay up roleplaying until one of us fall asleep or "that" And we'd talk about it every morning after? Remember when on the bus we would always sleep on each others lap or shoulders?  Remember on the bus when we would always sing each other love songs????  Does that mean nothing to you?!  Were all of those "I love you" 's fake?!  Last weekend.. When we had that one "rp" Did that.. Mean nothing to you? I gave every single piece of me to you,  you know everything about me.  You know how stubborn I can be!  Or how I can be when I'm drunk on coke or high on waffles. You've only known me for 2 years.  And yet only you got so close to me. Only you,  know how I work. What happened,  love..? Why don't you care?  I have my own reasons to be depressed but,  I don't wanna tell you.  I know you want to help me,  but I don't want you upset.  When you ask me what's wrong,  I always tell you to ask Jay because once I say it one time,  if I try saying it again it all comes out wrong and doesn't make sense.  And all those depressing songs,  I send them to you because somehow I can't tell my feelings  when I talk to you or anyone else because it won't make sense and it'll sound like it's nothing to be depressed about.  So,  I show it with songs,  that's what all that sad shit is. But I always make mistakes.  That's why I keep to myself.  I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I'm sorry for the person that I've become, I'm sorry that I love you, I'm sorry I can't get over you and can't go for anyone else because I love you and only you. Just know..if anyone breaks your heart..I'm always here..waiting.  Thank you,  goodbye.. Love you💕...