Loveless Me, Loveless You

Feel Free to Say No

"I'm never going to love anyone like that."

Yamaguchi frowned, unsure how to respond, how to feel, how to make anything better, "is that something you want?"

Tsukishima stopped walking and sighed, "This is going to be lame so don't laugh".

The shorter boy shook his head, "I wouldn't laugh if it's something important to you Tsukki....".

Tsukki looked at him then away, to the ground, then to the sky. The stars still hadn't come out yet, there was too much brightness in the sky.

"I just want to know what it feels like to be in love. Call it curiosity or whatever. But I don't even know what romantic feelings are supposed to feel like... so I guess I'm just envious of people who do. And people confessing to me, too, when they don't really know me. I don't understand that."

He looked at his friend unsurely.

Yama nodded slowly, searching for the words in his tangled mess of feelings, "I dunno, Tsukki. Whether it's something that you'll be able to feel or not is just something you gotta figure out... but just cause someone can't feel romantic feelings it doesn't mean they can't be affectionate—it would just be platonic. And who knows, it could be something that you only very rarely feel, that kinda makes it even more special. Yeah?"

"...yeah, I guess." Tsukki started walking again, thinking and talking out loud but mostly to himself, "maybe if I try to be more platonically affectionate in general... sounds... like something ... well..." he glanced at Yamaguchi for a moment, ideas floating in his head.

"You might just.. Uh need to experiment?" Yamaguchi laughed awkwardly, really not wanting his crush to experiment anything. At all. But mostly also just wanting him to be fine and okay and to figure things out. He audibly sighed. What a tangled web.

They were fast approaching Tsukki's house, it's form going from a distant shadow to a clear structure.

"Are you going to come over?" Tsukishima asked, changing the subject momentarily.

"Uh I can.. if you want," Yama actually preferred that after seeing Tsukki upset. It really freaked him out when Tsukki was upset, since he made it so hard to tell what he was thinking or feeling. Yamaguchi got better at it after all that time, but it wasn't flawless.

"Cool." The taller boy opened the gate to his house, going in first like usual with Yama close behind.

They went up together this time, Yama not wanting to leave his friend alone for even a second.

"I'm going to shower, you can go next," Tsukki grabbed some things and headed to the bathroom as Yamaguchi got started on homework.

So he'd have to leave Tsukki alone for the tiniest bit.

Tsukki walked back into his room with his towel wrapped around his waist, hanging onto his hip bones. He was slim, but his skin was absolutely beautiful. And his face. And hair. Droplets fell onto his mirror as he shook the water from his hair, grabbing his glasses and sliding them on. He ran fingers back through his hair, stretching his arms back.

Yama's heart throbbed in his ears, having to physically roll out of bed and fall onto the floor to get his eyes off of Tsukki.

Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

Holy shit.

Tsukki looked up, confused, before rolling his eyes at how lame it was to accidentally fall out of bed.

Yamaguchi crawled around, scrambling up, "I'm next!" He dashed out of the room.

Weird.

Yamaguchi came back freshly showered and fully clothed, relieved to see that his friend also put some clothes on. They kept clothes at each other's houses, and Yama always kept emergency "sleeping over at Tsukkis" stuff in his backpack. If anything they'd just wear each other's stuff, but since it happened so often they always had something that belonged to the other laying around.

Yamaguchi looked into the mirror that was opposite of Tsukki's desk, brushing his hair down with his fingers.

The taller boy swayed his desk chair side to side to the soft music he was playing, watching Yamaguchi through the speckled, water stained mirror.

"Hm?" Yamaguchi finally noticed him, turning around to actually look him in those gorgeous golden eyes.

"I'm going to ask you something but feel free to say no," Tsukki gestured to the bed for Yama to sit.

"Um... sure..." the server crawled onto the bed and sat crisscrossed on the edge, watching for any hints at what the blocker was thinking. Yama grabbed the dinosaur stuffed animal from the pillow, hugging it for comfort. He felt kind of nervous with Tsukki being sort of serious, like he was at a job interview or something.

"You're my closest friend, maybe my only actual friend." Tsukki fidgeted with his hands, "And because of that I thought I'd ask—again you can say no— would you mind doing me a favor and platonically be "affectionate" with me?"

Yama squeezed the dinosaur hard, face going blank from shock.

What.

Tsukki read his surprise, "yeah, I want to see if it's something that feels right for me and if I'm okay with doing something like that rather than have an actual romantic partner. You can say no, I prefer a willing participant".

Right.

Right right.

Of course.

It was platonic.

That was definitely fine! They would be platonic anyway so... perks?

And a tangled web.

Yama nodded slowly, the color slowly returning to his face, "sure, Tsukki... I'm okay with that."

Tsukki sighed, "great, I actually have no one else I'm as comfortable with". Tsukki turned away from him, changing the song that was playing.

Yamaguchi sat there for a moment, looking around like it was his first time ever in the room he's seen hundreds from times.

What now?

Was that it?

What was he doing before?

Homework! Right.

Yamaguchi grabbed Frankenstein from his bag, opening it up to the last page he was on and reading. It was incredibly difficult to relax.

Tsukki was so casual about the whole thing.

It was probably because Tsukki wasn't in love with him.

But he was in love with Tsukki.

He found himself reading the same words over and over, not being able to concentrate long enough to process and continue. He shook his head, trying to quiet any thoughts that didn't pertain to the book in his hands.

He stared hard at the page.

...the blast tore along like a mighty avalanche and produced a kind of insanity in my spirits that burst all bounds of reason and reflection

He could hear Tsukishima moving out of his chair.

...like a mighty avalanche and produced a kind of insanity in my spirits that burst all bounds of reason and reflection

He stiffened as his friend got comfortable next to him.

...produced a kind of insanity in my spirits that burst all bounds of reason and reflection

A long arm wrapped around his waist and a weight laid on his shoulder. Yamaguchi leaned against him, laying his head on that blond head of hair

...that burst all bounds of reason and reflection

He was pretty sure Tsukki could hear his wildly racing heart from there and wondered if that mess of webbing was enough to keep it from leaping from his chest.

He could be okay with it.

... burst all bounds of reason.