Watch me drown

part 2

you must wonder why i took my own life. I had everything i needed and even more. But it wasn't the place i was in, it wasn't my family , it was me. I got lost in my mind.I wanted to be happy but something inside me screamed that i did not deserve it. Thats why, and the worst part was that it didn't matter how hard i tried to be okay, it never worked.

My parents where the best people in the world. My mum was the strictest, she never allowed me to do anything that might be dangerous, or could hurt me. Sadly she didn't succeed, and maybe she didn't notice that my mind was the one that destroyed me, not the people i hung out with.My mum and i did not have a good bond, we were fightening a lot. She had blond curly hair and was a bit chubby. You probably know her, Khloe Kardashian. She has 5 sisters and 1 brother, which came often to our house. She was very close to her family, especially to her two oldest sisters.
My dad was strict too , but not as often as my mum . Me and my dad were definitly the closests of our family. We did everything togheter. My dad was cool and funny i thought, my mum was more like a mum , you know? You probably know my dad too , Cole Sprouse, he has played in riverdale, and togheter with his twin brother in Zack and Cody.
So enough about my parents. I have 5 sisters, and i am the youngest. My oldest sister is called Sophie. I did like Sophie, she was funny. But most of the time she was with friends, and when she was home she had to do homework. The only time we spend togheter was on vacation. Then we went swimming togheter. Sophie could be a model, but she was too fat. I didn't think she was fat at all. She had beautiful brown her, and nice blue eyes. And she was tall, everything what i model should be.
Then we have the triplet. Roos, which is actually a dutch name, is the oldest, and my favourite. She was funny, and did not give a fuck about other people's opinions. She was definitly the popularest kid in school. Everyone wishes they could be like her, me included. Roos and i had a very strong band compared to my other sisters, we always hang out togheter.
Then you have Gigli , she was just like Roos populair, but i hated her. To me she wasn't funny at all, we were always fightening. My mum hated it that Gigli and i couldn't communicate nicely to each other. But i think it wasn't my fault, Gigli saw me more as that boring stupid little sister, thats why she acted like that to me. When we were younger, Gigli and i used to be the closets , but now the fucked it up. It musn't be hard for her , to live without me now.
And then you have Do. Do was the most social of our family. She had many friends. She was funny too, but more caring then her other sisters. Me and Do were close to, we loved to do certain things togheter.At my darkest, Do was the first one that notice i wasn't fine. She helped me through a lot of days by talking, and doing fun stuff with me. But it didn't help as you know, because i am dead.
And then you have my twin sister Olivia. Olivia is the quiet one. She loves to sit in the corner of the room and read a book. Or just listen to concersations, because i know she does. She is very smart, but not as social as the rest of the family. It is hard to communicate to her for other people, but Olivia and i have a special band. When we are alone she is the amazingst kid ever. Somethimes i got the feeling that she is the only one who really gets me, like she was in that darkness too. She never said it that loud, but somethimes she had those dove eyes , and you could see her pain, how much she was hurt. Or it was just me, because i knew how it felt.
The difference between Olivia and me is that Olivia is strong, i wasn't. I gave up, and Olivia didn't. Although she had nobody to tell it, she kept fightning.

'Hey, Kate, I was already searching for you' Thijs came to me at lunch. Thijs was my boyfriend since the beginning of this year.
'why?' . Thijs took place next to me ' i wanted to ask you if you want to meet after school, just to make some music or something like that'.
' yeah sure ' i answered . Thijs and i loved to make music when we were togheter, he had a garage where all his instruments are.
' Uhm, i thought we were going to the mall ' Sarah looked mad at me.
' do you mind?' i asked her . Sarah knew how important Thijs was for me, and i did not see Thijs often, Sarah and i always hung out after school.
she took a deep breath ' yeah sure, go hang out with thijs' . I gave Sarah a big smile, as a thank you.
' So i see you after school, i have to go, my friends are waiting' Thijs gave me a kiss on my forehead and walked away.

' So it is real between you guys?' Madison asked.
I nodded me head ' yes, we have now almost 2 months'.
' Did you kiss yet?'.
' no we didn't, but it is weird because everytime we hang out there is a perfect moment for it but then he turns his head and starts talking. It is like he doesn't wanna kiss'.
' He is probably scared, that you will push him away' Taylor said.
' yeah, maybe your right' i said ' but what if he just want a girlfriend to hang out with?'.
' don't worry, he is just probably scared. It is not about you' Madison said to comfort me.
I shrug my shoulders ' i don't know'.

'hey, there you are' Thijs is waiting for me at the front of the school. He looks awesome, he is definitly the most handsome guy of the school. He has brown hair which is a bit curly, he is tall and he wears his football jacket and loose pants.
' sorry i'm late, miss Rouland didn't let me go before i had finished my work and then i forgot my jacket was in my locker' i apoligized.
' Don't matter babe' he said and then something wonderful happends. He gave me a kiss on my lips , like it was completly normal. I was shooked. Is that where i was complaining about all the time.
'i-i'm gonna take my cycle ' i said. And walked away . When i was out of his sight, i took a deep breath. I , i just kissed.

i returned to thijs with my cycle, it is only five minuts to his house. My house is further away, around 40 minuts. Thats why my parents often bring me to school with the car.
' so i want to ask you something' Thijs said 'you've been several times to my home now, maybe ut is time that i meet your parents'.
He looked at me, but i looked away.
'yeah maybe' i said.
'Kate, did i do something wrong?'
' No, No you did not do anything wrong, it is just that, uhm , my parents don't know it yet'.
'Wait what?' he looked weird at me ' So you've been hiding our relationship for two months?'.
' yes, but its not because if you' i told him.
' than what it is about?' i look at him, he looks kind of sad. We entered his house and park our cycles in front of his garage.
' i'll tell them tonight okay?' i told him to comfort him.
He nodded his head but doesn't say anything. He walk inside his house, i followed him. Thijs family is the opposite of mine. He lives in a small house and has to share his room with his little brother. He has 4 little brothers, two baby sisters and one big sister. The only place that is really of his , is the garage. His mum is always home, to take care of his little brothers and sisters.
'Kate' his mum give me an enthousiastic hug. ' How are you? i haven't seen you for a long time'.
I smile, his mum always make me happy , she is definitly an inspiration for me. She has to take care of all of those kids on her own, she had to give up her job for her children and they have big financial difficulties, but still she stays positief.
' yeah, im good. Just had a lot of busy these weeks' i said to her.
' We're gonna chil in the garage mum' Thijs has taken some food and a bottle of Cola.
' Sure'.
When we where in his garage we played some piano, sang some songs and watch a movie. And when it was 6pm i had to go head to home.
' you're going to tell them tonight, do not forget' he said.
' i am , don't worry' i promised him, and we gave each other s hug.
' i love you katie' he said, ' love you too' i said to him. Then he gave me kiss, this time longer. I felt his tong enter my mouth. It felt kind of gross. When we were done i waved him goodbye and headed to home.

'hi dad' i walked in the kitchen and threw my bag and my jacket on the kitchen island.
' hey kate' he gave me a hug. I love the way my dads smell, he smells like his parfum, which is logic ofcours.
' i would clean up your stuff before your mum is home' my dad warned me. I nodded and took my jacket and bag and throw it in the closet. I looked in the living room and dining room but nobody was downstairs. This was the perfect moment to tell my dad. But i did not wanted to , but i promised Thijs.
'Dad, i have to tell you something' i said. i climbed on the kitchen island , my dad walked to me.
' what?'. i did not want to look at him so i look at the ground.
' i have a......a boyfriend, or actually we're dating but it is not as serious as it sounds , i only went a couple times to his house and his family was nice, but we don't hang out often..' i tried to make it sound less serious but it didn't help.
' i'm sorry , what?' my dad asked.
' I am dating someone' i sighted.
'for how long?' my dad looked completly comfused.
'2 months' i answered , i still did not want to look in his eyes.
' does your mum know about this?' he asked.
' no'.
' wait, so you went to his home several times?'.
I nodded my head.
' did, did you guys do something?' he asked.
' Dad , gross' i said with a dirty face.
my dad sighted ' so how is he called?' .
'Thijs' i said.
I already thought my dad would react like this.
' Maybe you should invite him to dinner tomarrow, then we can meet him. The Thompsons's and Kim are here to' he suggest.
' yeah sure'. I wanted to walk upstairs to go to my room but my dad calls me back.
'kate, i don't want you to be alone with him, so no more lying where you are. Alright?'.
'yes daddy'.