The World Needs To Hear This

Too Deep to Have a Title

This morning, my family had hurt me so much I had reached my breaking point. The words I needed to say finally came out of me, so I did not hesitate to write them down.

Today, February 22nd, 2019, at 10:11 AM Mountain Standard Time, I texted my best friend the following message:

"Hi this isn't geared at you specifically, but I need to put this out there and I feel like you would read it and address that I have emotions and understand it so I'm sending it to you because I'm too much of a wimp to send it to the people (yes it's multiple) it is about."

I hadn't written the message yet, so I took some time to do so. At 11:13 AM, I had finally finished and sent this very very important message:

"I'm tired of being treated like I'm worthless.
I'm tired of being treated like my thoughts and opinions don't matter.
I'm tired of being treated like I'm a waste of space.
I'm tired of being treated like I'm a piece of garbage.
I'm tired of feeling tired.

Almost everyone around me — friends, family, peers — have several times in my life made me feel like I have no worth. I feel many people know about my anxiety and depression, but only I know how I break. Only I know how I'm hurting. Just like how only you only know the little play-by-play movie moment going on inside your head that makes you daydream.
I know myself best and I hate myself for it.

Now I know, some people don't do it intentionally, but others do, and it must be addressed either way. I know how much my friends and family have been there for me, but I also know how much they haven't.

"Everyone gets their feelings hurt from time to time and there's nothing we can do about that. It's healthy for us." Yes but it's not healthy to feel like you're nothing every single day of your life. That's what people don't understand.

"There are people who have it worse than you. There are people starving in Africa." Yes but I am not those people. And besides every problem is valid. Just because someone has it worse than you doesn't mean your issue is not valid.

I'm tired of making myself feel like I'm playing the victim all the time. And maybe that didn't start with me. Maybe that started with my mother, who every day told me to "get over it" because "it's a part of life." Depression is not a part of life, Mom. It is a scar that haunts you for all of your time, but only the wounded can see it clearly.

I understand that I am very emotional and I can't let things go but giving me another thing to bottle up is not going to fix that. I'm a hoarder. Inside and out.

I am wrong sometimes. It is okay to laugh and learn from mistakes, but it is not okay to shove it down someone throat when they are wrong and laugh and say, "See, you aren't always right." I am fully aware I am not always right and I am okay with that. I am not okay with being the laughing stock of my family because I was wrong. That is why I argue about being wrong.

My voice deserves to be heard. My thoughts are valid. I am allowed to feel things other than happiness so do not force me to be happy all the time. That is even worse than bottling up emotions. If someone is not happy, pushing it aside and telling them to put a smile on their face will only teach them to never talk about their sadness, and we all know where that leads.

Again my voice deserves to be heard. Just because I don't have an ID that reads I am age 18 or older or because I still legally have to live with you in charge doesn't mean I can't be right. My thoughts on the way the world should be run and how people should be treated are valid. Keep in mind you were the one in charge of me at all times for all of my life and some years to come so my thoughts either come from you or are arguing yours. So if you think my opinion isn't valid you are basically saying any opinion that isn't yours is wrong. Then again, if this statement were coming from any other mouth over the age of 18, you might consider it as would any other adult.

If someone comes out to you and tells you about their anxiety or their depression or any form of mental illness, respect them. Respect them for making it this far. Respect them for being alive through it. Respect them because they have seen true horrors that know one else was able to see and managed to look and act like they were okay and nothing was wrong without breaking down. But most of all, help them. Because they cannot go through these horrors for very long and need that one shoulder to cry on that makes everything better. It takes courage to go through that. The kind of courage only they can see.

If you cannot respect me as even a regular human being after I come out to you with a mental illness, please do both of us a favor and leave, but please tell me it wasn't my fault before you go. If don't, I'll believe it was my fault for years and years and likely until the day I die, whenever that may be. If you stay and treat me this way, our relationship will get worse. You will stop showing me the respect I deserve — that everyone deserves — and in return I will distance myself from you. I will not tell you about important things going on in my life. I will not tell you when I'm feeling down. I will not tell you what is on my mind ever, because I will feel that you will just tear me down in some way if I do.

Thank you, for listening to this. Even though — no, especially — since you probably didn't want to in the first place. It may not be your fault, but it may be. And as I said before it needs to be addressed whether it is your fault or it isn't. But to those who are at fault, thank you for listening to what is on my mind for once instead of tearing me down and pretending I didn't say anything or yelling at me to be happy instead of sad. Thank you for showing me what a toxic relationship is."

I wrote this and knew I had to put it here. I know I'm not alone in this battle. I know there are others struggling through this, and I'm sorry. I know it's rough, but you have to stay strong. Please. Don't do it for me, do it for yourself. You deserve happiness so do not deny it from yourself. You can get through this. I believe in you.

I believe in you.