As I Grow

Chapter One

The car was old and rusty but it got me where I needed to go. Despite the many sounds it probably shouldn't make, it's held together for a while. It's been used and abused by its owner but when I needed to get away it did what I asked. I didn't blame the car for breaking down in the middle of the road, but I couldn't help putting my forehead to the leather steering wheel and letting the tears flow down my cheeks.

This was the last thing I needed right now.  I almost wanted to laugh at the irony of this happening to me today. I took the car out after the yelling at home became too much. Me and my father got into another fight and this time I didn't wait till he started insulting me to leave. He knew I'd come back and it hurt me every time I had to walk back into the house with my head hung in shame.

I got half way up the speed way when the sputtering of the engine pushed aside my thoughts and brought my attention to the check engine light. I knew I had to eventually call someone but for a second as my eyes were closed I just listened to the sound of the cars.

I almost fell asleep when the lightest of knocks sounded at my window. When I saw a women standing there in a blue outfit more tears threatened my weary eyes.

"Ma'am I need you to roll down your widow."

With a sigh, I followed her command and prepared to take out my license and an explanation to prove I hadn't been drinking, but she interrupted.

"I saw you stop a while ago and not leave the car so I wanted to see if you were alright."

Am I alright? I knew I would just say yes to her and leave but the question hurt. Am I alright. I felt far from alright and I couldn't damn well do anything about it.

It's been the same fight every day. I just want to be freaking happy for once.

I turn to the office and mutter a quick 'I'm fine,' to send her on her way, but this lady is trained to find lies. Yet she leaves and I'm grateful but also a little disappointed.

I'm always the one against my dad because my family thinks I'm the best one to handle him. Ever since me and my sister were little, when his temper would talk for him, I was the one sent in front of him. I was the calm one who could handle everything but it's hard to be rational when the man that's supposed to love you doesn't seem like he cares.

I always remind myself that he does and that it's just his blood sugar. I can't blame him for his health. Then I started thinking, is there really a difference between him and his anger anymore?

My hands hurt from gripping the steering wheel and I think there is a mark on my forehead where I put my head down. I slowly detach my hand from its death grip and pull out my small phone. I call up help and let the phones rings echo though the silent car.

He picks up very shortly after.
"Hello," he says and for a second I just blink.

"Hey, sorry, I just wanted to know if you could help me" I say pinching my eyes closed. Talking hurt. Breathing hurt more but he was a friend. I shouldn't be feeling anxious.

"My cars stalled by the speedway and I could use a tow," I say gently hoping I'm not calling at a bad time or being a burden.

"Sam it's no problem, I'll be there in a few alright?" He was too good to me sometimes. Even if it was a bad time he probably would still come to help. I wanted to apologize a million times to him and just sob on the phone but all I did was say thank you and hang up.

The last thing anyone needed was to deal with me while I'm a mess like this.

The sky was blue with the whites of the clouds invading in. My cheeks slowly dried and eventually a truck pulled up behind me. He comes up to my window and smiles at me through it.

When I open then door and get out, he looks down at me and frowns.

"What happened?" His honey like voice says and I can feel the heat of his hand as it slowly and hesitantly makes way to my cheek. I simply push him way.

"Don't. It's fine,"

We use to be close. Everyday at school we would talk for hours and he would take my small hands in his huge ones. Now he complains I barely respond to him and find reasons not to talk to him.

"How much will this cost?" I ask taking my wallet out of the car.

"Nothing, Sam. My dad would kill me if I charged you," he says laughing a little.

His family knew me from when we would hang out and how often we would text as kids. His dad and him owned an auto shop by downtown.

"Come on Nick, it's unfair of me to pull you away from work and not pay."

My voice felt distant but not as hallow as I felt. I was getting better at hiding it.

He spent some time trying not to accept my payment but eventually gave up and took me and the car wreck to their auto shop.

I knew I shouldn't be there but my father would be more suspicious if I came home without a car. A while ago he activated the tracking friends app on my phone, 'Incase I lose it', so he probably already thought I was doing something dumb. I could never do anything right according to him.

Mr.Millard laughed when he saw me walk in with Nick.

"If it isn't Sammy, it's been a while."

The kind wrinkles by his eyes were bolder now. More held down by worry and stress then smiles. His personality wouldn't let anyone know that though. He would smile till the world ended and probably laugh too. I felt horrible when I disconnected from this family because this man raised me thought tough times.

"Hello Mr.Millard," he rolled his eyes at my formal greeting "I need my car moving as fast as you can possibly get it."

I would be expected home soon and didn't feel.....lively enough to be about these kind people right now. My thoughts now brought painful aches to my stomach. My teeth gritted and my hands formed fists but I continued looking at the man in front of me.

"Just give me an hour, Sam, don't worry."

I offered to stay at the shop while he worked but he told Nick to take me out for some food. Nick wordlessly nodded and headed out the door as I followed.

While he lead me down Seattles busy streets I could tell he wanted to talk. Our friendship ended off when Senior year closed off and he asked me out. I knew it was pointless. My dad wouldn't allow it and people generally didn't want to get close to me so I rejected him. He still tried to contact me, to 'be friends', but after I told him he didn't have to hold that act the texts became fewer and fewer.

"Am I allowed to ask about it?" He whispered while looking down. My pain heightened at his sad expression. I wished so hard I could scream out that I did have feelings for him and that I tried so hard to fight for us but the false hope caught in my throat.

"You can ask whatever you want, Nick, but you won't like the answer." I said pulling at my sleeves as the street became steeper.

"Even if you didn't have feelings for me, I still wanted to be friends, Sam, and you just shut me out." He was trying and the urge to cry started to come back. I didn't deserve friends. I'd just ruin it.

"Nick if it's that bad for you then you don't have to be here with me," I whispered while I let my nail bite into my skin to hold back the water works. "I won't tell your dad you left."

His footsteps stop and suddenly he's holding my arm turning me towards him. "You know I didn't want to stop talking but with everything you were saying, you worried me."

These are the times when I wished I could always have my car with me. To get away. To think. I couldn't breathe and I could feel my heart beating faster. My anxiety attack was hitting me faster then normal and my legs felt like they couldn't support me. The sounds of the city were too loud and my eyes started watering.

Nick was shaking my arm yelling my name but I was trying to focus. My thoughts went a million miles a minute but all ended the same way.

I wish I never happened.