Shaken Up

My hands shook violently as they lay frigid on my lap in tight fists; my bare knees were squashed together and my toes curled over one another as if huddling for warmth, and I sat with my back straight and my head staring at my fists. My vision was a blurry field of greasy blonde hair, I say blurry as my eyes were leaking tears like the rain. I heaved a wet huff of air and dragged my fist across my eyes to wipe away another empty wish. I wish…I was sat on the edge of my bed but I found no relief in being home. Home is with him. But that has to change.

I stood up and walked over to peer out my bedroom window and onto the dimly lit street. There stood six familiar figures. Not stood together. They were spread out surrounding the house, every once in a while they would move their head to catch a glimpse of the other looking away. Two of them, the smallest figures walked along the path and met in the middle, before one of them headed up to the front door, leaving the other one to watch and stare hopelessly. A soft tap came from the other side of my bedroom door, which now had my wardrobe rested in front of it.  I just had to be alone right now…

‘Usagi-Chan? It’s me Luna… Look I know—‘she said in a whisper, I could barely hear it.

‘Not now Luna… Later.’ I said cringing at the crisp sound of my voice, and suddenly realising how dehydrated I was, I clutched at my throat, which was burning hotter than the sun. My lips were chapped and bled slightly from repetitive bite marks. I stretched my right hand out and felt the pins and needles set in before I gently caressed my ragged lips, collecting crimson red on my fingers. I moved my hand from my face and inspected the blood. A dry sob echoed from outside my door as the patter of Luna’s paws grew fainter.

She was worried. They all were.

I had overheard my parents fighting last night. Over me. My mama sounded so scared, and papa sounded so… lost… Shingo is away for the week, on a school trip. He doesn’t know what’s happened. I don’t know what’s happened… I wish I could… I dropped my bloodied palm down on the window sill and watched the night turn to day. The figures left one at a time, all but one. Luna stared out onto the street, like a statue solid and alone. The sun sat dully in the sky surrounded by clouds, and I watched as the trees rustled in the ever changing wind. Moving away from the window I walked back to my bed and rested my head on the cushions, time past slowly. Before I knew it I was asleep, and I dreamt. I dreamt things were good again. I dreamt he was still here. I dreamt she was still here. I dreamt I was still here. But I’m not.

My eyes opened slowly to my empty bedroom, I listened as my mama placed yet another tray of food outside the door. I wouldn’t eat it. I never did. Not anymore. Today was Friday. So Shingo will return today. Shingo will look after mama. I rolled onto my side to face the window, and saw him. A memory not the real thing but I still saw him. Crouched at my window prepared to lead me to Mako-Chan. Another wave of tears rushed out of me. I wish I could have… Standing up, I slowly walked over to my book case and picked up a forlorn looking bunny, I brought it up to my nose and felt its familiar scent take over. I chuckled. Quietly at first but then it sort of… built up, until I was exploding with laughter. But I wasn’t happy. Soon as it started you could sense a weird edge to it. I looked into the mirror that was hung on my wall and I didn’t see me.

 I saw Serenity. But she was different. She was broken. And she was powerful. She threw her hand out in front of her and the mirror shattered, the last thing it had seen, were her eyes… I wish I could have stopped… Suddenly everything that was in the room was in the air. Serenity watched a manic smile on her face as one by one the objects crumbled to dust. The wallpaper started peeling up the wall, the floor boards started to crack and dissolve. She heard hear a woman outside screaming and banging on the door. She thrust her hand towards it and watched as the door flew off its hinges sending the woman falling backwards and smashing her head on the floor. A black cat with a gold crescent moon appeared at the top of the stairs hissing, she jumped at the girls face but was thrust away and crashed into the wall. Serenity laughed and her hair grew darker. She glided down the stairs hands outstretched and facing the ground as she left the house. She flew up. Higher and higher and higher until the city was miles below her feet. She spotted him. She spotted her.

I wish I could have stopped myself.

Now I’m covered in your blood.

I wish I could have saved your soul.

Now I’ve had to kill my own.

I wish I could have saved our love.

Now I see I never could.

Why am I so shaken up?

I never really understood…