my crazy Fantasies

deep thinking

((Katie's POV))

I keep thinking, Do I even understand anything I door feel?
Do I feel love? Sadness? Anger? Happiness...?
He says he loves me and I tell him the same thing, I don't know if I'm telling the truth to him or anyone.
I do lie, I do cheat, I do steal, I do hurt, I do say the wrong this. But, I was never taught how to live or what's the right thing.
I know Pain, I know happiness, I know Anger... but, I don't know if I feel them myself or if I even have any feelings
I question myself this and I start laughing and calling myself crazy, saying it fun. To mess with people, to have fun, to do whatever I want.

I feel lost? Maybe this a punishment? Do I want to say sorry just to get what I want, to stop this pain?

I've heard many stories about past lives, I sometimes say “I've done this before" or “I remember those days" or “I've been there before" but, when I stop and think, None of those things have happened to me and I've never done this.

I remember being a man, I remember being a white woman, I really being in the snow, I remember the farm, I remember the husband who stayed by my side as I slowly died.

But, That's never happened to me or any of it. It's crazy...

I've met people who have talked about being non-human, having a past life, and not being able to die. I tried to get to know them and something snapped inside of me, causing me to hurt them, push them away, act weird.... I just didn't want to be alone again.

I want to learn, I wish I could stop messing up, being stupid, being crazy.

Hahahahahahahaha, But that's never going to happen. I'm just a hopeless case, for everyone to give up on.

https://youtu.be/K-rboatMpXc