What if....????

Its night,

and the world's sleeping,

but I'm on the bathroom floor

Naked, anxious, crying. 

As the water cascades down

Washing my body,

The wheels in my head's turning, 

thinking, 

Freaking, 

Fretting, 

Dreaming, 

Missing, 

Wishing, 

Hoping, 

And then losing,

Drowning,

In all the what ifs

my Anxiety's giving .....

What if it was not how it is? 

What if i was a bit better,

And not so big loner? 

What if i could speak my mind,

And  whatever's happening

to my head on inside? 

What if i was not so coward,

And had a bit more guts ? 

What if i hadn't shut him out? 

And What if i could talk to him, 

tell him what's crawling under my skin? 

What of i could talk to them? 

But i didn't 

Cause i was worse 

I was afraid and scared 

I was petrified,

Of me, 

Of my head.

I was afraid,

of many more what ifs.

What if i spoke up but no one heard? 

What if they thought its a story in my mind that i made up? 

What if i had opened up to him

but he didn't understood? 

What if i socialized but no one liked me? 

What if it was not how it is? 

What if??
what if??
and what if??

'What ifs'  in the mornings

'What ifs' in the evenings

In the afternoons

And at nights.

'What ifs' before sleeping

'What ifs ' after leaving

'What ifs' while eating

Suffocating 

Choking 

Blinding 

Deafening

All at once

What if it was not happening,

Again and again? 

It's becoming a chaotic

Lines almost blurry

Between just anxiety

and total insanity.

What if I'm really turning insane?

Cause i do not feel anymore the same,

As i was before again;

What if i loose everything,

And nothing remains?

What if i was actually unwanted?

But i was still tolerated,

And what if after all done for me,

they were still disappointed?

What if i didn't had to fake?

And what if someone saw through

all my facade?

Those smiles and hand shakes,

Those hugs and gestures that i made, 

Some were untrue 

But some were genuine on my face. 

What if things turn 

From worse to worst? 

What if they get tired and give up?

What if I'm left with no one? 

What if all my fears become real? 

What if in the end

If anything remains 

Is dead and dirt.??