in my feelings 🎍 sunni

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So.

I had to do this thing in English; we wrote something called a memoir, which is just basically ~feelings~ put into words. I was having a lot of trouble with it: What do I write about? How do I start? etc. Then I thought about BTS, how much effect they've had on my life. So this is the draft I turned in, it'll need to be refined and stuff, but I'm pretty happy with it.

👀 i live so i love 👀

There's something so beautiful about music. How it can make you look at your life and want something different. How each voice can break through someone's carefully built walls and show them the life that they didn't know was inside them. How every note weaves through someone's soul and shows them something that makes them cry and wish beyond all hope that they could take control of their life. Isn't it funny how music can make someone want to live?

I don't know if I had depression. I don't think I was suicidal. But I didn't care about life. I used to hate the days when I was me, the days when I wanted to disappear. The problem was that those days were every day. I had no reason to live, nothing that I could look at and say 'I want to stay for this'.

And then I found a reason. A reason to live. A reason to take the next breath, the next step. A reason to wake up in the morning again. A reason to smile and cry with happiness. It was a mixture of the music and the band that made them. The lyrics, which broke my walls, wove through my soul and made me see, wish, live.

Finding them, knowing that I exist on the same planet, the same universe, the same plane of existence as them, it's like nothing and everything and anything at the same time. I feel alive, for the first time in so long, and yet, I'm not breathing, rather holding it in because I was afraid that if I took a breath, this whole beautiful illusion would come crashing down and I would go back to existing. I like the taste of life.

It's not simply an obsession with a band; it's real love. I found love, existing for these people who taught me more important things than I've learnt in my entire life. They told me, proved to me, that I'm worth it, I'm perfect. Without even knowing of me, they taught me to love myself on all levels, to not put myself down, and to not live someone else's life. They're my life support, the reason my heart keeps beating, the cause of all my happiness, the crutch to my broken leg, my shoulder to cry on, the 'front' to my 'door'. They've become a part of me, even more important than a leg or an arm, rather like a heart.

One of their lyrics that gives me so much life is "I live so I love".

I like loving; to keep loving, I have to keep living.