random stories i feel like writing

people in this world

not a story but hey, it's a thing about a problem i've been in ever since i was born!

relationships.

ever since i was little, my mother and father never said that any of my problems were things my opponent needed to apologize or be scolded about. 

they said that i was at fault. every. single. time.

i fall down from being spooked by a bike? my fault.

my signature gets erased by the t-shit making machine? my fault.

i feel like i want to commit suicide? my fault.

everything is my fault.

it's my fault that i'm a crybaby unlike anybody i know in my family. it's my fault my little brother is having a splendid life and i never said anything before he was born, leading to my misfortune.

it's my fault i was born to these people. 

i hate it. god- i hate it so much.

yes, there are things i know i'm responsible for and i /know/ for sure that every time i talk about a problem, the other side has fault as well. 

because of these things, my parents compare me to other kids. compare me to my brother. compare me to them.

i feel so insecure every single time they say i'm fat and it's my fault. my brother has a slim body and that's one thing i just know they're thinking about whenever they mention so. 

so here's how the problem this time went.

i play the clarinet, and this senior (five years older) is this senior who i looked up to. he was so /cool/. every sound he made from his clarinet made me love club more and more. so even though my mother forced me into band club, i started to gradually love it.

last year after he graduated senior high school, he told me that he had high expectations of me. that i'd become a good part leader one day and a few months later, he complimented me on how good i had gotten at the clarinet. 

he was everything i wanted to be.

but today.. god, it was absolute crap. 

he came today (as a visit) late because the train to our town was slow. i was super duper excited to show what i could do- so i practiced extra hard this whole week (and last week) to try and be praised. be the student he wanted me to be. 

but instead, i fucked up. 

he fixed my reed and ligature (uh, might want to search that up. i'm not sure if it's the same in english) but it was rather loose. so the reed moved when he told me to play the tuning note. 

i should've said that my reed was out of place, but i didn't because i was scared.

i'm a wimp. a coward. 

so i said nothing. 

i should've said something, but he kept moving on because we were running out of time. 

he eventually made us switch seats, and i was second to last. but i wasn't last because a different senior volunteered to sit at the very edge. 

and guess what.

it was to show who was the best and who was the worst. 

it felt terrible. 

i felt betrayed, sick, and even jealous because the youngest girl in the group was at the very top. 

even though i had the most experience with the b clarinet. 

but i couldn't hate her. i love her and i wished that she could get better. but it hurt. 

we went off to the most difficult song we're practicing right now, and i usually play perfectly with other people around. 

but not my groupmates.

i kept losing track of where i was playing because almost none of them were playing, and the senior lost his shit on all of us. 

he said that we didn't practice enough for both the basics and songs.

but i did.

the youngest girl did too.

i'm not sure about the others. but i haven't heard them playing.

after the daily meeting, the youngest girl started crying, and i was so conflicted.

frustrated. angered. sad. 

and guess what i did.

i hugged her and said it was alright. i admitted that she was better than me, that the senior had a good eye, and that she would be greater than me.

but of course, i couldn't help but cry either. as a junior high third year and as her senior, i had to comfort her in every way possible, so i cleaned up with her and talked about later plans with our part leader. 

i talked about this with my parents and said that i was at fault, and god, i'm so confused. yes, it's my fault for chickening out. it's my fault for being weak, but something felt off, so i thought that i should share this.

what do you guys think?