nobody saves me baby, the way you do

/ 1 /

Depression isn't at all like people make it seem.

It isn't being surrounded by people who understand and help you recover, and there's no one to talk to when it's four in the morning and all you can think about is how much you don't want to be alive.

It's lying in bed every night and praying that you don't wake up in the morning, and it's lonely nights and lonely days and wishing you'd never pushed away all of your friends because maybe it wouldn't be such a heavy weight on your shoulders if you could share it with someone else.

And the thing about Louis is, he doesn't really have anything to be sad about. Maybe his mum kicked him out for being gay, and maybe his best friend beat him to a pulp when he found out, but there are people who don't have a decent meal or roof over their heads and there are people who's children have just died and it's really a bit pathetic that he can't handle the pain of a few people calling him a fag.

So life carries on. He doesn't enjoy it, he doesn't enjoy anything really, but it's life, and he can't change all the shit that's happened to him. He doesn't tell anyone that he wants to die and he doesn't tell anyone that all of the love and appreciation he used to have for the world is rapidly crumbling into dust.

It's not like he's completely alone. There's his friends from uni, Niall and Zayn, who he speaks to more often than anyone else and would actually consider being close to if he didn't know he'd end up getting hurt in the end. He's been that way ever since he left home when he was eighteen, and in those three years he's built up walls that ten thousand bulldozers couldn't knock down.

His first year of uni was all a lie really, because it was the year he spent trying to be a normal nineteen year old and went out partying every night and hooking up with every guy he saw. Needless to say, the excitement didnt last very long and he wound up waking up every morning feeling like crap. Guys never treated him well, he was seen as an easy hook up. And then he met James, his boyfriend of 6 months. It was great until he caught him with another guy.

This lead him to spending his second year locked away and his flat, sitting on the bathroom floor covering his legs and arms with scars that are slowly fading away. It was the worst year really, because it was the year that turned him into an empty shell of a person.

So maybe his third years going to be better, or at least he's going to try and make it better without fucking everything up along the way.