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coming home wasn't easy anymore, he was't happy anymore. i wasn't happy anymore.
the bottles and pills weren't rare anymore, they became a daily scene that i witnessed everyday.
he wouldn't stop, no matter how many times i begged and begged. it drove me insane, seeing him losing himself and everyone else he loved.
from cannabis to maois, he wouldn't stop and slowly he began to feed off by not only his drugs and medication, but soon hatred for the world.
i've looked up to him for so long now, he was the first person who believed in me and my passion for the arts.
he was an artist himself, even sometimes he would make all of his sadness go away by simply using lovely shades of blue on a blank canvas.
it made him happy, it made me happy.
but as time went on, painting became inconvenient in his life. from the man that i knew who was an amazing artist, to a drug addict, it hurts to remember.
everytime i try telling him to stop it would fluctuate his sadness to extreme anger. i remember that day, that regretful day.
i told him to just be happy be happy for once, but i didn't understand at the time how my words might hurt him. i was fifteen afterall, and then it happened.
he slapped me, across the face. then he punched me, screamed at me. he choked me and kicked me. the endless pain that i couldn't fight back, i could've say "i'm sorry." it was far too late for that.
he didn't stop hurting me after a long time, it then became daily because of how much anger i caused him. i didn't understand how much he actually wanted to be happy, but he couldn't. i made everything worse.
"dear dad,
it's been a while since you last returned home, three years now? you don't know how much i want to tell you over and over again how sorry i am. i never wanted to hurt you. but even after all this time, i still want you to stop using those antidepressants. they're not making you better, nor are the drugs. i don't want to lose you, just like how mom didn't want to either.
remember when i told you i was gay? i'm always going to be thankful that you still love me for being something that you're not used to. i met a boy name chan today.he's a really chill but kind-hearted person, he gives me so much joy even though we just met..
you know how shy i am so it's kind of hard talking to him, but writing and asking you if you have any advice i already know what kind of advice you'd give me right now. "just smile!" even though my smile is so ugly..
anyway.. i just want you to know, that i love you so much, you're my dad. my role model and the person who has always been there for me. i miss you a lot, and i would sacrifice anything to see you again dad. but i understand if you need time, i would give you all the time in the world for you to come back home. love you dad ♡
