Fatefully Feminine - Book 1

Fatefully Feminine

It started in the fourth grade.

I remember telling my mom that my dress was uncomfortable during the weekly church service that we attended. The tight fitting, itchy laced dress was undeniably my least favorite piece of clothing to ever exist. If I'm being honest, I didn't like any of the dresses I owned.

While shopping for school uniforms, I was immediately drawn to the boys' clothing. Rather than skirts and dresses, I would rather have worn the plain polo shirts and khaki pants.

I remember my mom getting so frustrated any time I would ask if we could go buy some jeans or shop in the boy's section of the store. "Lily, you aren't a boy." She would scoff.

So after that, I stopped trying to be one.
I wore the dresses, skirts, pink and yellow. I got called "she" and "Lily". None if it felt right, but I knew my mom was always right.

In the 7th grade, something changed. I finally worked up the courage to throw away all of my dresses and skirts and started wearing solely hand-me-down jeans and sweatshirts that I had gotten from my church friends. I cut off all of my hair in the bathroom at 1 am with junk-drawer craft scissors. My mom didn't notice until Sunday. Sunday wasn't a good day.

Now, I know, "Wearing jeans and sweatshirts doesn't make you a guy." I know it doesn't, but it isn't my job to explain to anyone how I hate what I look like. How much I hate my hair, my breasts, my body, my hips, my face.