New Morning | A Kpop Idol Life Story

12. Through Tough Times

~ September 8th, Thursday ~

We had some free time before we had to get ready in backstage. I was sitting on the couch, lazily looking at my phone while some of my members played word games. Even though I had been warned about going on forums many times I found myself reading comments on Lucky Number, mostly finding my name accompanied by words like 'ugly', 'wannabe' and 'trash'. I had seen these kind of opinions so many times throughout the past week that it didn't even make me heat up or bother getting angry. It was making me feel empty and useless instead.

– How are you holding up?

I was surprised to hear a male voice in our dressing room (we changed clothes in a small closet-like space in the corner of the room with the help of female stylists, so there was no danger of anyone running into us half-naked) and looked up to see Mr. Park.

– Um, fine, I guess? I sat up straight when he sat next to me.

– I mean the comments, Mr. Park said, changing the conversation to English. I had no idea he spoke it fluently. Or fluently enough for me to understand, he still struggled on pronunciation and the fancy words, but he probably wanted me to feel more comfortable since my skills in Korean weren't perfect yet. And I appreciated it.

– Your friends told me about it. They are worried. I am, too.

– It's... weird. I have been called boring and ugly before but only in school. I learned to ignore them but it's different when you're a public person. There are haters and not everyone can love you but it hurts in a strange way.

– They're commenting on your accomplishments and dreams. They are attacking who you are when you are being true to yourself. The performing arts will never be easy, because you expose your soul for others to see. And if you are even a tiny bit worried about yourself, they will see it, and use the chance to attack you. Some artists turn the hate into their greatest motivation, and it might help you as well.

Mr. Park knew how much I loved singing and performing. Becoming and idol had been my dream for a long time and he was right, this was an important accomplishment.

– Some are jealous, some want to cause you pain for no particular reason. But what they don't know is how hard you have been working to be on that stage. So you have to show them you aren't here to play. Show them your talent, your passions and emotions, and the will see how beautiful and confident you are.

The past few days had been tough both mentally and physically, and even though our manager was supposed to encourage me, I felt like crying. The thought of connecting with the real me gave me a warm feeling of nostalgia and if I weren't in the sweaty dressing room I would have almost heard a movie soundtrack in my ears. Mr. Park noticed my trembling hands and he smiled in sympathy.

– Now get going, and never stop moving forwards.

With those words he got up and pet my head, careful not to mess up my delicate hairdo. It was time for us to get ready for the performance. I looked at my members, sitting on the floor in a circle while laughing at some stupid jokes. A content smile curved on my lips when I watched the happiness of the five girls. The girls who shared my dream.

– (First Name), what's your problem? Hyejin grinned when she saw me space out.

– Oh, um, it's nothing, I laughed sheepishly.

The backstage atmosphere often frightened the rookie idols, while the veterans of at least four or five comebacks were usually so used to it that they looked graceful even when waiting for their turn to sing. I, on the other hand, had legs made of cooked spaghetti. But when Songmin asked us to gather around for a breathing exercise, I was more than ready. The blasting music faded as I focused on the air flow through my nose, lungs and stomach, and my nerves and tense muscles calmed down. I was filled with energy and excitement instead of tickling butterflies. I felt the need to sing and dance right now. When I stood on the stage one minute later, I couldn't help an impish smile. My inner bad girl was ready to show everyone who the real queen was.

It was finally time for the last event of the day, announcing the votes. The pre-points based on the streaming platforms and music video views were revealed in the very beginning of the show. The best three, who were standing in the center, were currently Marigold, Silk Waves and a female soloist. If a miracle wasn't going to happen, one of them would win. The hosts explained the vote counting process once more, before the names of the top ten artists started quickly shuffling on the small screen in front of us. The drumroll music was agitating, and I secretly glanced at Hyeonwoo's back. He must be nervous.

– And we have a result! the other host happily announced.

I peered at the screen over the taller people. On the very top of the name list was Silk Waves, with their debut song Gardens. The sparkly confetti usually caught me off guard but this time I ignored it, and kept staring at the shocked, relieved and joyful boys jumping up and down when the small trophy was handed to their leader. The other participants started to trail off the stage to give space to the new winners, and I was gently pushed forward by Jiwoo. As we walked past our bowing juniors, my eyes met Hyeonwoo's for a quick second. His grin was wider than I could ever remember seeing it, and I had to answer with a polite smile. Before I left the stage I looked back at the screen, and to my happy surprise I found Lucky Number as second, not far from the first place.

After the music show broadcast had ended and we had changed back into our casual clothes the group met up in the dressing room, stuffed next to each other like sardines with Mr. Park, producer Han, as well as an assistant of the company CEO. The assistant, Ms. Jung, had come to discuss our sales.

– The pre-orders for this album were good. You could do better, but if we keep in mind that you are a fairly new group from a smaller company, we might even have to thank you. Not even Bad Kids had their sales this high in the beginning.

Hearing her verdict gave me a rush of relief. Our debut album had been successful mostly due to the anticipation of the first Sunrise girl group in eight years. But it didn't mean we had a chance of a great comeback. If we failed now, we would have to take a few steps back, maybe even reform the group and its name and concept, or even disband altogether.

– The CEO is pleased, Mr. Han added and I could see him more upbeat, as well.

– I'm no singing expert, but you all did a good job today. The quality was almost as good as in the studio version. The song has never sounded this good in your stage performances.

Since we all were in one place, we took a moment to discuss the current promotion period and its events.

– So there will be a fanmeet next Tuesday, am I right? Mr. Park flipped through the pages of his planner.

– Yes, and we were planning to have a longer U Live in the next few days, maybe on Sunday.

– Has everyone taken down the dates and times now?

Our phone calendars were full of colorful notes, reminding us to wake up early and get into our car by 7:00 AM sharp, nearly every day. From my short experience as an active idol I could say promotion was the most hectic time, while preparing often felt more static and physically heavy with the training and dieting. Ms. Jung usually talked indirectly to managers, but now that we were there, she could now inform us about our schedules, as well.

– The promotion ends in roughly three weeks, after which you will be preparing for the next comeback. Official dates are yet to be decided, but we are hoping to release new material on the first quarter of 2017. You also have two events lined up before the year ends, one in a university and one on a local festival.

I sincerely hoped I wouldn't have to cancel my year-end trip home, it would be terrible if I should be working on a national holiday even when I was promised a vacation.

– And this year you will attend the Watermelon Awards gala. They are still deciding the nominees for the most categories, but as a new artist with enough recognition you will automatically be in the new artists' categories.

Not many of us hadn't even thought about the award ceremonies. We still considered ourselves too small to actually compete against the more famous artists and bigger companies (no offense, Sunrise). While Song of The Year would be an amazing award to receive, we weren't on that level. Yet.

– The clock is ticking, so go get some sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow, Ms. Jung then glanced at her watch and left with the clacking sounds of her heels.