I can see it you know. How you look at me. A prize. A prize? That's questionable should I want that? Your attention is addictive but then again so is meth. I want you but to touch you is to lose everything. I've drown in women twice your height but half your stature. Their tears were ink for my pages. They were sad. And it's my fault they cried so much because if I had not shown them so much happiness they couldn't possibly grasp this depression. I've violated myself in constant pages. Putting down words that were not true. Writing feelings that weren't real.....but they sound good? Sometimes I torture myself. It's a horrendous process I make you smile see. I give you every blood cell to ensure your day was good AMAZING even. That's how it starts. I drain myself to make you smile. My God do I love that smile. The spiral is maddening and when I'm satisfied that you've been properly spoiled, you drift off into a sleep I didnt know was possible you look so angelic but here is where it gets masochistic. See I watch you sleep and I can tell you are dreaming and you groan in your sleep but I tell myself it's a moan. Your legs press together like a violin and bow, your eyes flutter beneath your eye lids in rhythmic time and I'm certain in that dream you are making music....with someone....who isnt me. And I smile at the silly thought I just put into my head. But then in sinks into the cracks of my soul. How could you? Violate OUR symphony? I look away but the thought not knowing is torture. Now I'm STUCK. The rock and hard place I stuck myself in and it's all true but not. What do I think you're gonna do? Rob me of what was never mine just to steal me from what I stole in a place I was already trespassing in? I gave you everything now I'm taking it all away from myself. YOUVE DONE NOTHING. But everything is because of you. I wanna be a better me but because of me I've imagined a worse you and its agonizing the torture I chose. Fuck are you waking up I barely have enough time to wipe the blood away the metaphorical tears are invisible to you but for how long. You moan, I mean groan again I grit my teeth and you say my name......the voice is so angelic but even Lucifer was an angel and I smiled they way that he would.....so convincingly....Hi princess....how did you sleep? Oh me? It was a boring night.
