«Do you know that all of this is ridiculous?»
I snorted at Grant's question, only his shoes visible from under the door. I myself was aware of the absurdity of the situation. I mean, talking about my problems with a stranger using my second name, that moreover I detested, in the boys' bathrooms, wasn't an everyday thing. But surely it was better than Mrs. Smith's science lesson. And I was also curious to hear that warm voice narrating what was upsetting it. A few seconds full of silence passed and then I heard a sigh.
«No pity,» the boy said firmly «I don't want you to feel any pity while I'm speaking. Pity is useless».
I nodded, agreeing with him, then I remembered that he couldn't see me.
«I don't need pity either. I promise I won't feel any of it towards you.» I admitted sincerely, crossing my arms and looking attentively at the door, almost like I expected it to open at any moment.
But it didn't.
I kept knowing just a minimum part of the aspect of the stranger that I was talking to. When the voice spoke again it almost surprised me to hear it even more serious.
«I don't think that there's a precise moment where it all started. I just remember waking up and feeling my chest so heavy that I couldn't get out of bed anymore.» I looked down, because I knew what it felt like.
«It's like someone put a weight on my chest and every day it increases, oppressing me more and more.» He said and I shivered at the the thought.
« I don't have a reason to keep going anymore, not a purpose to start my day. Sure, there are my brother, my sister and my mother that constantly show me love and I feel deeply ungrateful because instead of thanking them I just feel contempt toward my life».
Not a time I had heard his voice tremble, not a time I had heard it crack while he was speaking.
It stayed neutral, like he was reading an article printed on the school newspaper that wrote down the win of our football team against the opposing team.
«You don't have to feel guilty» I interrupted him «pain is always pain. Don't compare yours with others', what you diminish maybe it's big or it simply affects you more. It's normal, we're humans, if we weren't different we would be just copies without feelings or robots.» I smiled, playing with the bracelet that I had on my wrist. It was simple, golden and with a palm tree shaped pendant. It had a special meaning for me, but we will talk about that later.
It had been given to me by my father as a gift and it was from him that I learned what I had just said to the boy that called himself Grant.
It happened a day, a few years ago, when I just came back from school, that I found out about my dog's death, who I was really attached to and that had basically grown up with me. Initially I cried, recalling the moments we spent together, but then Ellie's expression, my best friend at the time, came back to my mind.
I felt a profound feeling of remorse.
Ellie had recently lost both of her grandparents, but she had always come to school and not a single time I had seen her crying or complaining about it.
I instead cried for a dog, not a human being. Even though in that moment I was in pain, I quickly wiped away my tears and for the following days I acted like nothing happened, life I had forgotten about everything. But my father noticed the change in my behavior and a night, before I went to sleep, he asked me to sit down with him on the couch of our living room, because he wanted to talk to me. I didn't immediately say the truth, I knew he wouldn't have judged me but I however hesitated to explain.
But then, under his pretentious eyes, I told everything.
He stayed in silence for awhile and then responded.
«Other people's pain is not worse than yours. If you keep underestimating what you feel, even something unbearable, it could kill you. Every person lives in its own way, every person reacts differently, whether it is a positive or negative situation».
I couldn't have done anything but nod and thank him.
«Anyway, go on.» I encouraged the stranger behind the door, that in all that time had remained silent.
The voice spoke again.
«I didn't think about that.» He admitted and I held back a smile knowing that I broadened his perspective. I usually didn't like sharing my opinion, particularly regarding important topics. I always feared that someone could considered it stupid or insignificant and because of that, most of my life, even when I had something to say, I preferred staying silent or conforming to other's thoughts. It was sad to know that nobody really knew me or that they didn't know how I thought; it was sad not having someone to talk to in complete honesty. I envied anyone who could be himself in any situation, without putting on a mask every day.
«How did you learn these things? Tell me something, I don't feel comfortable if I'm the only one that speak.» Asked the boy and I thought about the answer I could give to him. Should I confide in him?
Initially I shrank, scared and not sure if I could trust him, but then I noticed that if I wouldn't add something on my own, except the advices, he would never trust me back. And I felt an irrepressible urge of that stranger's trust. I needed it a lot. I wanted him to trust me. And that scared me, because I never cared about anyone and suddenly I cared about a person that I never saw.
«Last year was the worst year of my life.»
I started, bringing a hand at the base of my high ponytail, to tighten it. «I didn't have anyone. The few friends I've had the previous years betrayed me or simply moved to another city and it was rare of me to show up at school, because the few times I was there I cried. I don't think it was just due to the fact that I didn't have friends, it was the time that my parents were divorcing, so I think that all of that together brought me to the limit. Plus I suffered from a kind of bullying that didn't obviously help.»
The boy thought about my words for a moment, then I heard his white shoes move slightly on the tiles. «What do you mean with a 'kind of bullying'?» Grant asked and I crossed my legs again, reflecting on my answer.
«It never was physical violence and it never happened directly. For example, when I stopped talking with a group of people and then left I could easily understand that they were laughing about me, talking behind my back. Not only with acquaintances but with people that I had never seen before. Wherever I turned there was always someone that made fun of me. Even after all of this passed my mind continued to duplicate those scenes or convince me that no one would be really interested in me and that they just used me. It took me a lot to distinguish falsehood from sincerity.» I then continued «Sometimes I feel selfish to consider it bullying, but everything that violate your thoughts, just like your body, should be considered it, right?»
I took my hand to my jeans' back pocket, pulling out my phone to check the time. I opened my eyes wide noticing that there were only a few minutes left to the period. I could hear that Grant was on the verge of speaking again and I was sorry to interrupt him thus abruptly.
«I'm sorry! I have to go back to my class, since my science teacher has probably already dug my grave.» I explained and I made a few steps coming closer to the bathroom door.
«See you next week on the third period?»
In a way, the hope that showed through his warm voice comforted me; he cared about me? Then a doubt started to insinuate in my mind: maybe he simply considered me someone to vent on. I repelled it, irritated by the fact that it could ruin the situation.
«Sure» I smiled «remember to wear this shoes so I can recognize you.» I said jokingly and when my hand was already on the door handle I heard the boy speak one more time
«No pity!» he exclaimed and I could feel that he was smiling too.
«No pity» I repeated before heading out and proceeding towards the science classroom with a quick pace.
After a decade here is the new chapter!
I hope you enjoyed.
As always I want to thank AReaderWithoutDreams for translating and thank you for reading <3
Let me know what you think in the comments.
-Lover5lauratic
YOU ARE READING
bathroom talks; ethma -DISCONTINUED
Fanfiction«No one has ever cared for me as much as you do». In which Emma and Ethan meets in the male bathroom every week and talk about their problems without seeing their faces.
