When I speak my mind, which I do more often than not, my brain is usually not able to catch my words before they come out, so I unfortunately know the feeling of regret a little too well. The truth is that even though I know I run the risk of sounding rude or insensitive, I can't really help it; I can't hold back.
But the moments of my life I regret the most are the ones when I kept quiet. Those moments, were doors that could have led to a whole different life.
Door 1: November, 2016
"8th grade, you really did ask me for pencils just because you were shy to talk to me!
It was my favorite story, and made him smile.
I only knew that making him smile was my favorite thing to do and that my best friend was, plain and simple, my favorite person in the world.
There was an unmistakably loaded question in his eyes as they looked down at me. It was in that moment that I knew I was in love with Adrian, and what's worse, at one point he loved me back.
At one point.
Door 2: January 2016
"We're freshman in high school. It was nice... but I feel I wasn't really ready for this relationship. Best friends right?"
He smiled. "Of course."
I will never forget the flash of sadness that day in his eyes.
Door 3: May, 2019
School was almost over and their senior year had come and gone in a flash.
Our class before graduation, and I knew that on graduation day, we wouldn't see each other...
"Adrian... I wanted to tell you something."
"Sure what's up?"
"I've liked you. I have for almost four years. I didn't want to tell you but here I am... I'm hoping we haven't ruined our friendship."
"It's ok." He smiled.
"See you graduation day!"
"See you on then!" I said sadly to him before he headed out the door.
We wouldn't see each other that day.
Door 4: August, 2019 We hadn't gotten into the same college..
"Don't do anything stupid in college." I smiled
"Stupid me?" He said pretending to be offended. "I don't know what you're talking about..."
I threw my head back laughing, making him chuckle as well. Once it died down, I looked at his face growing more serious.
"Just... promise me you'll take care."
He smiled warmly. "I promise I'll try my best."
"Make sure you remember me to, ok?"
I should have told him that it was impossible - you simply can't forget someone who's constantly on your mind. I could never forget him because he has always been a part of me. I managed to forget him, I know I would still want to meet him all over again.
Even though I know I couldn't help the loving look I gave him, I wish I had said something smooth and cheesy like that. But I didn't. Instead I just said...
"Why wouldn't I ."
Door 5: May, 2028
His wedding was getting closer and closer, and the problems kept coming and coming. I had heard only about wedding related things for the past week.
"Well don't you look nice?" I teased him.
Adrian, who had already dropped down on a chair to rest his forehead against the table, lifted his head.
"You're still on time to back down, you know" As I saw his smile dropping from his face, I rushed to explain further. "I mean, you could still cancel the big white wedding and just ask her to have a smaller one. Or run away from it all."
Adrian scoffed. "Wouldn't that be nice?"
"Then why don't you do that?"
"I don't know, because, he shrugged. Would you have run away like that?"
If I'm honest, I have to admit that if he had asked, yes. I would have. If he had asked me to run away with him that day, I would have run the day of his without a second thought. The funny thing is that even though he never asked, I still spent years following him anyway.
"It's No, isn't it." He said bluntly.
Why didn't I correct him? Why did I let all these years slip away?
February 2030
Sitting down next to him, it was quiet. An akward silence.
"Do you believe in alternate universes?" I asked
"Yeah I guess. I wonder if we would have never met"
"Oh they've met."
Adrian had told her once that anything you could imagine was probably real in a parallel universe. It was impossible for me, however, to think of a version without meeting him at some point along the way.
"Do you think they get along?"
He tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, it's unlikely that we're friends in every universe. There has to be at least one where we're mortal enemies, or something."
It made him chuckle. "There can't be many of those."
We sat in silence for a few minutes in the midst of a familiar awkwardness.
"Do you think there's a universe out there where we're..." I hesitated for a second, but eventually forced herself to get the rest of it out. "Married?"
"I don't know. What do you think?"
I was confronted with the internal burden that hung over me. After they both had gotten married, I had an unspoken agreement with myself to put my small feelings aside and just focus on family Yet the possibility of something else never left my mind.
"What do you think?" The question sat in my head on repeat. Could they have ever been more?
I nodded, pretending to consider the thought. "Pretty cool, but fun."
I admitted what I should have on Adrian's wedding day, when I couldn't breathe for the fear of losing him to someone else.
Maybe is was my imagination, but I could see his face light up as he processed what I had just said.
"It'd be nice. I think I'd enjoy it."
We didn't realize how late it was until Adrian's phone rang. It was almost eleven. Looking down it was from his wife.
He smiled as he got up. "See you soon."
"Of course."
It saddened me a little that I would never get to know the universes that I missed out on each time I closed a door, but at least they could wonder about them together. My fate was sealed.
Walking out I closed the door behind me.
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