The Four | a character project

Not Your 'One'

Inspiration: "Thought It Was Gonna Be Me" by Catherine McGrath

I never understood why in those cheesy stories the boy or the girl just didn't confess their undying love to the other, until I was in a similar predicament and came to the realization that doubt is a terrible thing, and that life oftentimes doesn't work as it does in a badly written fanfiction, that there are times when you aren't the one, when someone else doesn't feel the same way, that there's someone from before, that things aren't the way they would seem to be if this were some story with a fairytale ending, that this is real life.

The day I came home I tried to look nice.

I mean, sure I was going off a plane and all, but like, if I could maybe I could try.

I guess I had hoped, I had wished, that it wasn't Ash who was picking me up - although I love her dearly - I had wanted it to be you.

But I brushed it off when I spotted her trademark bouncing messy curls in the waiting area and that was all the time I had until she attacked me in a hug, practically screeching, 'AXELIA!! OH MY GOSH IT'S BEEN SO LONG!'

I had none-too-gently shoved her off, but I still couldn't keep the creeping smile from vanishing from my face.

'Ash, we talk like every day and we video chat every week, honey," I had said.

She smiled brightly nevertheless.

'But still!'

I had lightly rolled my eyes, still smiling.

Then she had ushered me to her car, stating that I was probably exhausted from the plane ride, and then we were at her house, and through the front doors we went, and we dragged all of my two pieces of luggage through the door and into the living room. She gave me a room to stay in and told me to go to bed as soon as I could, being the mom-friend she was.

I kept all thoughts of you at bay until I crashed into the bed.

I dreamt of you that night.

I saw you there, even though I hadn't seen you in literal years.

You were just out of my reach, and I tried to be me, and I don't know - it kind of failed miserably.

I woke from running and running and running toward you on the beach, but only being sucked back, unable to break free, only sinking, sinking, sinking into the sand and unable to move.

It was quite the dream.

The rest of the day is quite a blur to me now, but I do remember that at some point Ash had said that we were going to some gathering - and that you would be there.

I had spent so much time and effort into looking nice.

The next memory I have is being there.

Being there and instantly looking for you, without even intentionally thinking that way, I just did.

I had been dressed up and looking nice for you. All for you. I tried so much, tried so hard.

Then I spotted you, but a split second later I noticed her.

She was by your side.

I didn't recognize her.

But she was with you.

And you were with her.

I was in shock but I turned my reaction around as quickly as I could.

I had to turn my reaction around.

I smiled so I wouldn't cry.

Then I turned around, ready to leave. If Ash was going to find her boyfriend, so be it; I'd find another ride back to her place and leave this godforsaken place. I had no interest staying here any longer.

But you saw me.

'Axelia!' you called.

I pretended I couldn't hear, but then you grabbed my arm and spun me around and I almost thought to something else, but I saw you.

You as you always were, and the memories flooded me and I was brought back to a different time and place.

You introduced me to her.

I tried being polite, but we all know me.

And she was so genuine.

She was so everything I was not.

And she made you happy.

What could I do then?

I couldn't and can't possibly be selfish. I can't. You deserve this. You deserve to be happy.

I had dreamt and imagined all the times we would be together before. I had dreams.

Dreams.

That's all they ever were in the end, I guess.

She was the person I thought I'd be.

And I had tried so hard.

All I can do is keep saying to me, what if, what if, what if.

And I can say all the what if's in the world, but nothing can be changed now.

I really had thought.

Stupid me, huh?

Why did I have those hopes and wishes - all broken dreams in the end.

All I can do right now is beat myself up and over about it.

It's my fault I guess.

It's all my fault.

And now I know that I'm not your 'one'.