To live again

First Steps

Ch. 2: First Steps

It took a few days to work up the courage, but I finally did something that I had been avoiding over the last couple of months: I picked up the phone and called Dr. Aurelius. He was surprised when he found me on the other line and asked me what had changed my mind. If I had to be honest, the answer was Peeta. If he hadn’t of come back to District Twelve, I never would have gotten up after that nightmare I thought had came to life, and I would probably still be in that rocking chair, immune to the world. But I wasn’t going to tell Dr. Aurelius any of that, so I decided to let him figure it out.

Since Dr. Aurelius and I were talking on the phone and he couldn’t take a nap like last time, it forced us to actually have a conversation. At first, I shut down his attempts of conversation, responding with only one word answers. He then started asking me to describe my daily routine to him, which required me to use full sentences. I realized how pathetic my life sounded when I said it out loud, but I still hadn’t found anything worth doing that wasn’t anything other than eat, sleep, or try to go to the woods. Truth was, I wasn’t sure I ever would.

The woods were a painful place to be nowadays. I was conflicted because they were a place I could get out, clear my head, and enjoy the open air. Sometimes it was like I was still recovering from being underground in District Thirteen. Now they also make me think of Gale, who was the last person on earth that I even wanted to think about, and they also reminded me of how things used to be. I even hated walking through town to get there, because I couldn’t stand watching Thom and the others uncovering the bodies and seeing that mass grave where the meadow once lay. Maybe these were things I was supposed to tell my therapist, but that wasn’t going to happen.

“Katniss, I know it might not seem like it right now, but things will get better,” Dr. Aurelius told me over the phone. Liar. “Look at Peeta, you know how far he has come since he was rescued from the Capitol.” Boggs, Gale, Finnick, Annie, Johanna Mason; All of the people who were somehow involved in that rescue mission came to mind. All of whom were now gone in some way, shape, or form. And then there was Peeta himself…he tried to kill me that day (and a couple of times since then), and now he was baking me bread and we were beginning to talk again. His recovery was nothing short of miraculous, but then again, Peeta has always been different than me. He was always the better person; the person who had an outlook on life that I never saw until it was too late.

“Katniss, are you still there?” Dr. Aurelius asks over the phone. I must have been quiet for some time and he probably thought I hung up on him.

“Yes, sorry,” I reply.

“Anyway, like I was saying, things will get better. Continue to go about your daily routine and with your life. You’ll be surprised when things begin to have meaning again.” We decided to set our next call for a week from today. We both knew it was no use trying to get me to talk to him a few times a week. He was just pleased that I made a big step in calling him.

Things will get better. How could he possibly say that? How could he possibly think that things were going to get better after I survived two Hunger Games, led a rebellion, and watched so many innocent people die? What could I possibly do that would help me find meaning in anything? I was beginning to acknowledge the world again, and even that was a big step compared to the person I had been lately.

Why did I really call him? Yes Peeta came back and inadvertently helped me take that step from becoming a vegetable to a person again, but I could have easily ignored his comments about talking to Dr. Aurelius. I was really good at not listening to people, after all. Something internally prompted me to pick up that phone and to get help. Did I want to get help? Did I want to change my ways? Did I do it for Peeta? Or was I just tired; tired of not sleeping and tired of the nightmares that wouldn’t even end after I wake up.