Random Rant.

Thoughts/Rant/Vent??

I know... I know I shouldn't get ranting or crying like this...
I just gave to let it out or it's going to tear me apart.
I live my ex, I love all three of my exes. I won't say their names but they've been with me during the times I needed someone. I appreciate that. More than anyone can understand. Especially with all the shit I've put them through, my suicide attempts. No matter how small the attempt was, they were there for me. They reassured me, maybe my mind us worse than I know it is but I remember them being there. In their own ways. I don't want them to know that I'm still planning on going through with killing myself. I hate myself everyday for betraying their trust and love.... I don't be want them to hate me but living with be these thought every single day, even with therapy, even with medicine. Yes, there are good days and bad days but the bad days are getting worse and worse.

I don't want to worry them or annoy them with my thoughts. So I'll keep them to myself.  They don't follow this account anyways. I doubt anyone does. I know I said I was just ranting or venting but I also wanted to rewrite my plan.

I've saved up a lot of medication, so that's a part of this. I know a place down by the river that's pretty secluded. I just have to buy one more thing and then I'd be set. But I was going to take as much as I could and then hang myself near river, if the rope breaks my body would be washed away with the water.... I know it doesn't sound like a plan but I've already written my suicide note and I carry it with me everywhere incase I go off without my original plan. I know everyone thinks it's stupid but honestly it seems like the only way out after fucking up my life this much. I don't deserve this life. Idk.... I've thought about different ways to kill myself: stabbing myself, drowning (I can't swim anyways), overdose, hanging, gunshot(not allowed to I have a gun and too scared to hold one), laying in the middle of the road(tried when I was younger), driving of a bridge, etc....

Anyways that's my little.. uh... Rant/vent?? I'm not sure if it even counts as that anymore.... I guess just my thoughts.... Bye I guess.