"Jacob's death is very saddening to his family, friends and many other people. He passed from an excess loss of blood in his wrist. The cause of death is unknown at this point, but the only source of evidence that might be true is from an anonymous source. We don't normally take anonymous sources, but right now, this is the only source of witness. He apparently walked into a room and saw two fourteen year old males having sexual intercourse in his mother's bedroom. The untrustworthy witness apparently says the two teens were Brian and Owen. Allegedly, he went to his room with a butter knife and cut so furiously into his wrist that it was like a chainsaw tore through it. It was a big gaping hole that stretched across it, which was the source of blood loss. Apparently, the anonymous source tied it to the fact that he just saw something so horrible in his mother's bedroom, he wanted to inflict pain on himself. We have friends who would like to say how saddened they are by his loss, but his family doesn't want to speak in public. We are putting the sources on now".
"Usually, in school, Jacob is annoying and energetic. We usually wish he wasn't here, but now that he isn't... It's kind of a little more quiet and empty without him..." - Owen
"Jacob was a very epic man. He inspired me to attempt to be an even more epic Soup School maker, but now that he's not here, I need to take on his legacy" - Patrick
"I wanted to be the one that killed him god damn it!" - Samuel E
"Finally I can rape my army of 800 bambinos in peace" - Alexander
"Aw man, Jacob used to whack me with one of those ping pong hitter things. Oh boy did I love being chased around the gym by him..." - Sam L
"He literally kept sending me weird s**t on Discord" - Arlin Furry Master
"I liked to talk to him about my fetish for free V-Bucks and monster trucks with large wheels. Now I don't have someone to talk to about getting my d**k stuck in the exhaust pipe and melting it off because that happened a year after I was born somehow..." - Chris "Gay Bullcut" Handcock
"Jacob's jokes were pretty funny, I wish I could hear his replacement for Jesus's blood and skin with cheesy bread from Domino's Pizza and Kool-Aid. Man, that made me laugh while Owen was super serious..." - Brian
"I really wished us to be actual friends, but Jacob was like... Get on my nerves kind of annoying... Yeah, but Mario Kart 7 races with him were always fun" - Chris H
"I liked to rob his f***ing Warheads candy and just drown my mouth in like 50 of them. That was super epico, and I'd like to say that it wasn't gay because I was wearing socks" - Scott "Joke Thief" Gaylord
"He begged me for my Kingdom Hearts 3 stuff that I ordered, and I said MY PRECIOUSSSS. Too bad he couldn't experience how good it was before he passed..." - Tomas "Floor Eating" Scottlover
"Wait, who're we talking about? Oooh, that loser, he shanked me, whipped n nae naed on me, and made fun of me ripping my favorite pants all the damn time. I cried..." - Sam "Queercoll" Dicklol
"He interrupted my Clash Of Clans games, but somehow passed me in Spanish. I said for him not to get too cocky, so yeah. Overall, he was a great friend to have..." - Cameron "Mechanically Stabbing" Backstabber
"I gave him my Pop-Tart every morning, I felt super duper epic for lending that man a piece of food. I felt like I gained some of his powers!" - Ammon
"He watched me play Phineas And Ferb on the... Uhmm... DS or 2DS?" - Daniel M
"Dang, it's been like two years since the last time I saw him. But yeah, we used to have heated and intense mind battles..." - Daniel D
"So, uh, I never met Jacob in real life. I came all the way over here just to visit his funeral this weekend. Yeah, I had to brush my teeth extra well this weekend. You can tell because it looks black and kind of yellowish in some places..." - Kenny Teabag
"He always had the answers for me in English. Like damn, English seems like the hardest language on Earth. I hate it..." - Kourtney
"Uhh, I hated him for making Sans noises in class..." - Gabe "Nickelodeon" Mama
"Wow, uh, I kinda have mixed feelings about Jacob. He was annoying, but also kind of good, I don't know. He didn't speak rich that well, so I couldn't hear him when I had my Airpods..." - Connor
"This makes me cry... Wait, where's Samuel? I need to kiss him and hug him for emotional support..." - Devin "Necrophilia" Boner
"Yeah, I want to cry with Devin, but I cum my pants every time I'm next to him so I can't be next to him for emotional support this time..." - Samuel A-Monk-OwO
"And that's all for now on the death of Jacob Muollo, we'll come back to you for more after the commercial break." "Have you ever tried getting Boner Pad? Well, you should, because it has chemicals that prevent you from getting a boner in pub-". *TV shuts off* -ABC News
