And I'm starting with a rant. And a preposition. Twice.
Ok so the rant is on bicycles. There is a chance that I have let fly about them and the persons who operate them on a previous occasion, or seventeen, but nonetheless, here is another.
I will begin by stating: I am a bike rider, NOT a cyclist. I still cannot stand the latter. Lycra sporting, traffic impeding, two abreast chatting motherfuckers really chap my ass. There should be specific loactions where they are allowed to ride, and locations where they are just not. Like the streets. Disagree with me all you want, but until they can go 60km and have to pay rego like I do for my car, then they are my nemeses, each and every one the scourge of my life.
Bike riders, on the other hand, are alright, especially since I am now one. They include, but are not limited to:
persons riding a bicycle because they lost the right to drive a car, owing to:
drunkenness,
recklessness,
unregisteredness and just plain
quambiness.
persons riding a bicycle because they are not physically capable of driving a car,
persons under the age of 15,
ladies in dresses with flowery baskets on the front of their bicyclettes,
persons who like the outdoors and are too lazy to walk (these individuals are identifiable by the distinct lack of speed),
hipsters (though these walk a fine line),
persons who like to keep fit BUT ARE NOT CYCLISTS (these are characterised by a lack of lycra, no visible pump attached to their bikes, the wearing of skate style helmets and no cleats on their pedals).
ANYONE who owns a penny farthing or a unicycle.
NOTE: the only thing worse than cyclists are those JERKS that ride those LAME lying-down contraptions. The only people who are allowed to do this are thos who are not able-bodied and cannot ride a regular bike. Then it's not lame, it's cool.
The categories that I fit into are 5 and 7, though I used to own a unicycle (never learned to ride it).
Now that I have the most venemous part out of the way, I would like to get to the more positive, 'shocking news'. I have become a bit of a bike addict. I have, only recently, discovered the joys of two wheels. In company with this discovery, I have leared a few things. These things are as follows:
if you go into the driveway too fast, the jolt to your bicycle will be too great and your front fender will fall right off (who needs em anyway),
if you go 'off roading' after heavy rain, your bicycle tyres will become lodged in mud,
if you can get your bicycle out of the mud, as you wheel it to the nearest road, lots of little rocks will stick in the mud covering the tyres,
if you try to ride it with the mud and rocks in the tyres, then it will all combine at the brakes area to form a conglomerate of mud, rocks, little sticks, a toilet seat and a shoe, and then the wheels won't turn at all,
if you accidentally make the seat too high, you will experience a series of harrowing 'near misses', when your feet don't touch the ground and you almost topple over,
If you ride through patches of 'unknown foliage', then you will almost certainly get a goat's head thistle in one, or both of your tyres,
if that happens, and you are at traffic lights days later, and spy a thistle in your front wheel and pull it out, a hissing noise will result, telling you to put it back in,
