harsh language used, so read at your own risk
"I never knew love could be so difficult. Then again, love is just a meaningless four lettered word that everyone throws around like a baseball. I never truly felt love, ever. After my breakup with Jacob, I didn't find a reason to truly find someone else. I guess I'm still in love with him. God, I hate that word but I don't know what other way to describe my feelings towards him. Although he cheated on me with Maddie, I still took him back numerous times. I still " loved " him, but I know he never did, he will never love me back. Am I stupid? Yes. Do I care? No. I'm just a stubborn nineteen year old girl that just wants to feel loved and taken care of. I guess that won't ever happen, especially after what that asshole did to me. Sadie always warned me that he was bad news, but I never listened. I was too caught up on him and his looks, I guess I really never took a closer look to the disgusting personality he ha-"
"Millie, come downstairs or you'll be late to work again!"
Finn yelled out my name as I finished writing on my journal, his voice is too familiar. I don't have a car yet, so he unfortunately has to take me everywhere I go. It's sweet of him, but I don't want to annoy him. Finn has been my roommate ever since college started. We don't have a dorm, that's my not type of thing. We moved into a small-spaced apartment right after high school graduation. We've been best friends since middle school, and I guess we just kicked off our friendship then. He's never been tall before... his growth sprout really intimidated me. He's a pretty good looking guy. 6'3. Curly hair. Freckles. Intense cheekbones. He has girls over every weekend which is annoying as hell, but he still pays that bills for me so it's a win-win for both of us. I always just saw him as a big brother to me, he's only a year older than me, so it makes sense.
"I'm coming." I scoffed
"I still haven't brushed my teeth yet!"
"Do I care? No. Hurry the fuck up or you can Uber yourself to work."
I sighed as I quickly rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth, a long with putting some mascara, eyebrow gel, and concealer. I looked a little too dead. The breakup with Jacob was only one week ago, but I still haven't stopped crying every night until 2 a.m. It has become a habit now and I hate it, but no one can really stop me. I rushed to the living room while trying to tie my shoelaces on the wall. Finn laughed at me as I struggled. I wasn't as flexible as I was in middle and high school. I guess quitting dance wasn't a good idea after all. Finn lit up a cigarette as I looked at myself in the mirror for any last minute touch ups.
"God Finn, you know I hate that smell."
"What smell?"
"That disgusting smell of shit and smoke combined, it's disgusting."
My British accent stood out a lot more in that sentence and he couldn't help but chuckle. Like seriously, what was so funny? It really is an unsatisfying to smell. The fact that Jacob smoked every hour or so makes me even more sick to my stomach. Remembering him was hell, and an addiction. I haven't seen him since the party. I still can't get the image of him and Maddie in my own room doing it off my head. I remember just running up to Finn with bloodshot eyes, as he stormed into my room with a knife, reaching it to Jacob's neck. Thankfully, Finn didn't do anything. He just scared both him and Maddie off. Finn has always been the overprotective type, I guess that's why I see him as an older brother. Everyone thinks he has feelings for me, but he's one the type it guy to actually like someone in that way, at least not from what I know.
•••
I opened the door for Millie as I grabbed my car keys. She was wearing the same Cloud by Ariana Grande perfume that I despise. She wears it every day, like jesus christ doesn't she have any others? Millie walked out and I shut the door and locked it. Our parents made extra locks in the door just in case, which is bullshit. It's like we're still little kids, but we're not. I have a gun for protection, what else could we need? I clicked the car alarm and the doors opened. My car is pretty old, it is a 1999 Lexus RX. I can't afford a fancy ass Mercedes, so this will do until I can work again. Unfortunately, I haven't worked since my senior year of high school. After I tried applying for a job at Barnes and Nobles, I failed my drug test. I became an addict, a real fucked up addict. After my ex girlfriend passed away, I turned straight into doing drugs. I still make some money off selling a few grams of marijuana and coke, but it's never enough. My mom always sends me $3,000 every month for bills. Millie takes care of the rent. That's why I still keep her around. She has a decent paying job. I guess being a makeup artist does pay off. I'm glad she's doing something that she enjoys. She's a brilliant girl, but she's too broken and stubborn inside that it slowly kills her every day, she just doesn't know it.
"Finn, when was the last time you washed your car? It stinks in here"
"Hm, last month? It smells pretty good actually. The smell of weed is oddly satisfying to me"
"No Finn, it smells like ass in here"
"Are you sure it isn't you?"
I jumped as Millie hit me in the arm pretty hard, but it didn't hurt as much. Considering I have very skinny and boney arms, it did leave me a bit sore and red. She such a fucking asshole but I love her. Not like that, I love her as a sister. Sure I think she's hot and shit but I respect her, liking her will be a little bit inappropriate. Also considering that Jacob did awful things to her, I wouldn't want to scar her. I like playing around with her. Telling her jokes that will easily make her bad is the funniest thing ever. Her smile is so joyful and radiates such a powerful energy, I wish I was able to be as happy as her.
•••
We're on the road. my job is twenty minutes away, which isn't bad. I don't like talking about my job. It's not the best to say the least. I want to pursue a career in acting yet nothing is really available for me now. My parents think that I'm being delusional with being an actress. They think it'll be a wasted dream just like dance. I try to ignore them and just see where my journey leads to. Finn is driving , very concentrated on the road as he's smoking. The windows are rolled down so we don't die from intoxication. I had my headphones in the whole car ride. I didn't speak to Finn. We hardly speak nowadays. He seems very distant, extremely distant. What did I do? Did I hurt him? Did I tell him something I should've have said? Of course I'm overreacting like always, but it's urging me.
"So...", I said while taking out my headphones and pausing my music.
no answer
"Finn?"
What the hell is wrong with him, is he daydreaming?
"Finn!", I screamed out as he turned his head towards me shocked.
"What the fuck Mills, you scared the shit out of me!"
"What have you been up to?"
"What? Nothing. I'm just driving"
"No like... how's everything going? You haven't
been home late-"
"Why do you care? Stay out of my life"
"Is it because of Lilia? You know I'm here for you. It's been two years and I know that it hurts and there's nothing or no one that can repla-"
"Replace her? Are you shitting me right now? I loved that girl to death"
His voice got raspy. His eyes got watery. Shit.
"Finn... it's okay I'm sorry"
"No! Nothing about this is okay! Nothing about this is okay!"
"Finn okay please calm down. Please"
Finn kept his eyes on the road as he wiped his tears from his cheeks. Lilia was his girlfriend since freshmen year of high school. He wasn't only his girlfriend, she was my best friend. We've been friends way before he met her. I miss her like hell too, but she meant everything to Finn. She was his first everything. First kiss, first date, you name it. He never got over her. He tries to get over her by having sex with different girls he met at the club every weekend. He also does drugs, which scares me the most. He can seriously hurt himself. He can end up in the hospital if he accidentally overdoses. I can't control him, no matter how hard I try. His parents don't know, and mines doesn't know either. We're both afraid of telling them. They can take things way out of proportion and it'll most likely separate us. They wouldn't let us live together because he'll be considered "dangerous". I care about Finn. I love him. I don't ever want to leave his side. I sound like an angsty girlfriend, but I just want him to be safe and happy. Seeing him light a cigarette up kills me more than it kills him. He's my rock. My everything. I can't loose him. I already lost Lilia, I can't loose him. Ever.
authors note: hi, I'm Kimberlyn (@mxuthbreather) on Instagram. I decided to write a story for the fun of it. this is just the prologue which explains why it's a little too short. I hope you all stick around to continue reading it, I have so much planned for this, y'all aren't ready...
