About the Things I Don't Get To Say Out Loud

About My Best Friend...

I don't know what it is. I think I like him and a part of me has always entertained the idea of being with him. It first clicked in the 10th grade, on his birthday. Just the two of us in the brightly lit class, he was looking so fresh and his lips were full and pink and plump and oh so inviting. I had the sudden urge to kiss him but of course, I didn't have the guts to do it. This is the first time I'm writing for anyone like this. It's a new feeling, yet an old repressed one. This time around, however, I decided to be a little risqué. I let go of the physical boundaries I had built up with any man. I decided to play along and ended up hurting probably only myself. I know him well enough to know that he's never going to act upon whatever happened between us. I'm not even sure if he felt any spark. I certainly did. He was so protective and so happy to see me. And when we were smoking up, I could see just how proud of me he was; even though we did something we clearly shouldn't be proud of. I loved that he decided to drop me back home and the ride back to my place resurfaced my urge, my need to kiss him. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me and how much I wanted him to stay close to me. I wanted to hug him and convey all my feelings without really saying anything. I loved the physical proximity between us. I almost reached out to hold his hand in mine, like he did when he helped me sit in the auto ride. His hands fit mine perfectly, and I know that's cheesy but it's true. Even in the state of being high, I couldn't fathom the intensity of my emotions for him. If we would have had some time and space all to ourselves, I'm sure I would've held him or kissed him or confessed to him. I noticed how when I bit my lip, he looked at my lip and in my head, I know he wanted to kiss me too. I knew because he started singing "I can't feel my face" and I wanted to tell him that the lyrics were very fitting. That I actually couldn't feel my face at that moment and that I wanted to get closer. But I didn't because I didn't want to come off as the only one who felt something at that moment. Yes, I do have some confrontation issues.

And the next day was more magical. I played it cool, wore a hot outfit to appease him and let go of my inhibitions. I didn't care about the fact that our friend was going to be there too. I needed him to know that I would invest all my time, all my feelings and all my energy into him if he wanted me to. But then again, I know he won't ever initiate anything. Again, we sat close to each other, there was a lot of physical contact and I brushed my hands through his hair several times and I loved it. I noticed how he gave me more attention than our friend, that he acknowledged how happy he was to meet me again. He was the one who brought up our ill-timed attraction towards each other. And I wanted to tell him that I still liked him and that I wanted to take my chances with him. But I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know if I was sure of it. But just the thought of it excites me to new levels and I don't think I mind giving it a shot. I want to talk to our friend and ask if she observed any chemistry between us. If she did, I'm going to be torn between wanting to tell him I like him and keeping my feelings to myself. He put his head on my lap and that gave me another chance to play with his hair, another chance to tease him and somehow convey that I had feelings for him. I don't know if he got the hint. 

I don't like the fact that he doesn't publically show that we're friends and that we're so close. It's almost as if I'm an embarrassment to him? If people found out that we were close friends, his credibility, his popularity, his fame would be negatively affected? I didn't like the fact that he wanted to date his senior. I wanted to tell him that I was single and available.

I'm sure my feelings will fade away in a few days again and will resurface the next time I meet him. But I think I just need to deal with it. There's possibly nothing I can do about it. And I don't necessarily want to do anything about I guess. And anyway, "'Out of sight, out of mind" right?

Okay. I think there is no hope. My thoughts and wants and desires are very futile and impossible to achieve. I need to stop thinking about this. I don't want to be lovesick for my best friend. I can't deal with the repercussions and I don't want to lose him. He means too much to me and he knows that. And I know I'm an important figure in his life but he doesn't show it? Sometimes I wish I was bold enough to enter such unchartered waters. I can very easily just text him and ask why he doesn't acknowledge my friendship in public but do I have the right to do that? Do I want to know the answer to that dangerous question? There are so many things I'm unsure of.

All I wish for is certainty and courage. I wish I was confident and not self-conscious and free from my multiple insecurities. I wish I wasn't afraid of taking chances and facing the consequences. I wish I could say that I'm not scared. I wish I could read minds. Life would be so easy. I wouldn't be so unsure about people's feeling for me. I would know what to do and how to react to situations.