Wondering thoughts

Im Fearful

If fear didn't control your life, what would be the first thing you would do?

I would live. Simple but exactly to the point. Fear controls me more than I would like to admit. The failure to succeed because of my fear of failure. The constant pain of being lonely caused by my fear of rejection. I've danced my whole life. I love it. Ive wanted to be the high school dance captain for as long as I can remember. But every time I've given up my chance.. why because I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I've had the biggest crush on her since I first saw her not knowing that she would have a boyfriend or that she would end up being my math teacher making it completely impossible to be with her. I've wanted to do something special for her to tell her I liked her. And when I finally did I not only told her in the most cowardice way but when she began her words of rejection I lied...I lied and it benefited him. I benefited someone who doesn't even deserve her so the first thing I would do if I wasn't so afraid of rejection or if I just wasn't plain stupid I would have said that those "books " were from me. Not from your boyfriend of 3 years. fuck. He doesn't even treat you right. How could he possibly be SO focused on his phone when a goddess is literally sitting in front of him. If I wasn't constantly thinking of what my family would have thought of me I would have said something. I would have grabbed your hand and we would have ran off into the sunset. Metaphorically obviously. Haha What can I say I'm a hopeless romantic.

"It looks like you guys are reading sense and sensibility today and he has written down that you will be having a quiz next class. chapters 15-20. So you guys will be silent reading for forty minutes and use the rest of the time to review"  Without my permission my eyes found hers. She smiled at me and when I smiled back. she looked down at the teachers sub notes.

When we started playing the review game she sat on Mr. DeGeneres' desk and as if her skirt wasnt short enough it was riding up now and I knew half the class was distracted by her beautiful long legs being exposed more than usual. Today has been a hard day I've been to three classes and I already have too much homework. And by too much homework I mean I have enough that I'm gonna procrastinate it all until it becomes too much. thank god for lunch today my mom dropped off leftover lasagna from home and the office let me heat it up. As soon as I sit down Courtney, Sydney and Brianna look at me and at the same time say.

" Where's my piece?"

This is just for me before my brother gets home and devours it.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you with your math Aria"

Of course she has lunch duty

"Aria.. Hello earth to Aria"

I tear my eyes away from her and look at my three very nosy friends.

What!

"I just wanted to say I was sorry I couldn't help you, But now I'm more interested in who you were looking at like that."

what do you mean "like that"

"like you wanted to tear someone's clothes off, I could tell cause that's almost the same face Aaron makes when he sees me in a bikini"

I do not and ew Courtney what did I say about boundaries keep things PG when you talk about you and my brother.

"I'm sorry"

"yeah right I see that evil smirk on your face Courtney"

"shut up Sydney, but seriously Aria who is the lucky guy?"

Its Nobody

"Yeah right"

Guys I don't want to talk about it right now

"calm down guys, well talk about it later"

Thank you Sydney, Are you guys ready for the assembly tomorrow

"Yes Aria we practiced we know how important it is to you, we wouldn't want to be the ones who messed up your routine"

I still don't understand why coach had me choreograph

.

.

Another hour with her is going to kill me. but I would rather I suffer then have my GPA. She looks at me differently now. I know I should keep my distance. I shouldn't scoot closer just to feel her smooth leg against mine. but I cant help it. when I rubbed my leg against hers she closed her eyes taking a sharp inhale I could feel the tingling run up my leg to my core. I swear it looked like she could feel it too the way she bit her lip. without a second thought my hand was tracing up her very exposed thigh. I felt butterflies growing in my stomach as I touch her soft skin everything in me craved to be closer to her. I want to tempt her. I want her to want me. But this cant happen for so many reasons. So I remove my hand and continue with math.  She looked at me with a look I wasn't really familiar with. I looked back at the math problem and she moved on like nothing happened.

Ms. Jones POV

I hate subbing I use my free period to grade and today I really could be using this time to get all my grades in the system. I walked into Mr. DeGeneres classroom and I immediately found her eyes knowingly staring at me so I smirked at her and she looked away blushing which made me feel weirdly overwhelmed with confidence. I wrote down the journal prompt which I have to say was a thinker... since I had nothing better to do. I wrote my own response to the question.

I know it's been awhile... figuring out college and actually going takes up a lot more time then I originally thought 😂 if anyone wanted to Message me and give me feed back on what they would like to read and or would like more details on let me know. Being in college made me realize I do way better with feedback. ;)
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