Because I Love You

I stood there motionless. Standing in the dark of the night, alone. The cold breeze from the wind surrounding me, making me shiver. My right hand gripping my phone so tightly it started to hurt. I took one last glance at my phone screen which lit up once I raised it to my face. 12am. It was already midnight, and still no sign of her. No text messages, no phone calls, no DMs, nothing. Not one notification or one-word text that indicated that our plan was cancelled. Not one word from her that said that she was busy or had something urgent to attend to at the last minute. Nothing. A sudden noise from my phone gave me a sigh of relief as I expected it to be from her. An apology or something. No. It was just my mum informing me that she had just reached Dubai for her business trip. I ignored it. I hesitated for a moment before keeping my phone in my bag. I turned the ringer on so that I would be aware of any sudden notification. Minutes passed and all I got was silence. My legs felt heavy, so I pushed myself to sit at a bench nearby. I've been standing for hours, waiting.

It was a quiet night at the park. A beautiful park that overlooked the city from above. A view I only got to know of when I met her. The view was breath-taking, with it showcasing the city lights and towering skyscrapers which looked like tiny buildings from here. I suddenly felt the need to check my phone again. To see my previous conversation with her. Fishing out my phone with shaky hands as I zipped my hoodie higher because it was getting cold, I turned on my phone. Taking a deep breath, I opened our conversation and read it again. Reading it again, I noticed her texting style seemed slightly off. She gave one-word replies and did not seem at all interested to talk to me. Which was strange. We would text each other every single day. Always remembering to inform each other what both of us were up too, any upcoming plans and where we were heading. Looking at it again, I did that. I always remembered too without fail and I never once found it a hassle. As I read our conversation, I picked up more signs that showed she lost... interest.

I hated to say that or even think that. I hated the idea of one-sided love and always did the best I can to ensure both parties were happy. However, that was not what I was seeing. Her last text to me was 'haha'. A laughing attempt at one of my lame jokes as always. I hate to admit it but deep down, I always knew that she was tolerating me one way or another. Thinking back, it wasn't one-sided at all. It was me who was being high in love, and I realized that she couldn't take it anymore. I was ignorant of her feelings. I only chose to see the happy side to things, and created this illusion of love with her, a fantasy that only I was in. It made me realize that, she didn't love me anymore. Or was I the one that pushed her away due to my selfishness? Our conversation stopped a few hours ago. She stopped responding even after I kept on asking of her whereabouts, what she was up to and how I will be waiting for her at the park at 9pm.

I was so high in love, so deep in my fantasy that I totally ignored her feelings. I placed my phone back inside my bag and looked out at the view overlooking the city. Waves of memories flooded me as I recalled every single time spent with her. That gorgeous smile that made me go gaga over her, with her crooked teeth making me burst into laughter. Her silky soft hair that I always played with. Those times we had the whole house to ourselves and fell asleep in the living room couch while watching her favorite movie 5 times. Her head laid on my thighs as I tousled with her hair, making her angry because her hair became messy. Going to the carnival together and having our photo taken with a Polaroid, each of us keeping the photo in our wallets. Sitting together inside the carnival's Ferris wheel, staring deeply into her jade green eyes while our lips met. Sharing a passionate kiss as she slowly made her way to sit on me, caressing my face while I held her steady by her back.

Tears streamed down my face as I remembered those fond memories. I loved her then, and I still love her now. However, there was nothing I could do to get her back. Even while being ignorant with her feelings, I knew her like the back of my hand. Once she decided to do something, there was nothing anyone could do to sway her and stop her from doing it. Not even me nor her family. I lost the love I loved the most. My heart ached as I let the tears flow out of me. Sobbing and screaming in my heart while my hand gripped my chest so tightly, careful not to let go as it felt like if I did, my heart could just fall off my chest and break into a million pieces. "I'm sorry", I said. Multiple times while I cried and screamed and sobbed my heart out. Thankfully I was alone in the park. I didn't want to cause a scene.

After what felt like an eternity, I took a deep breath and stood up. My heart feeling empty and hollow, my eyes feeling pain and dry. I gathered my hair and tied it up into a high ponytail. Before leaving I wanted to do something. I reached into my bag and took out a rose covered in newspaper to prevent it from being damaged. It was a blood red rose I had planned to give her. Her name was Rose, and she loved the color red just like me. It was the perfect flower. I knew I couldn't give it to her anymore, so I decided to place it on the floor right in front of the city view. I took a sticky note from inside my bag and scribbled "I'm Sorry, Thank You" on it, sliding it under the stem of the rose and leaving it there. I took one last look at the amazing city view, grabbed my bag and took off. I knew that putting the rose there was perfect because no one knew of that location as it was only accessible through a secret pathway in the park hidden away from others. It was our secret. And it would remain that way forever.