reflections. a collection of myself.

me.

trigger warnings: self-harm, suicide, death, dysphoria, depression, anxiety

hi, my name is isaac.
here's some of my life.

i would look at him,
then look at her.
i really liked him.
but i really liked her...
i wanted to be him, but be with her.
why?
i see him, and i see her.
he is handsome,
she is pretty.
i see,
me.
"her", curves, breasts, long hair.
wore dresses to formal events, because i felt obligated to.
hm.
i see him,
in a clean, sharp, form-fitting, suit,
hair slicked back, bare faced, deep voice, broad shoulders.
i wish i could be him.
him.
realizing you were bisexual at 12 years old, your parents accepted you.
you never felt comfortable in your body,
you always felt like you were different.
you didn't look or act like other girls.
why is that?
you don't know.
you won't know for a while after you came out as bisexual.
you liked how dresses looked,
but not on yourself,
you did not feel like they were meant for you.
you just thought,
it simply just low self-esteem, no confidence and stigma.
you would soon realize those weren't the only things.
no.
you became very depressed as you grew through middle school.
you became anxious.
you would see other girls,
make-up, beautiful hair, bodies of all shapes that still made them look so beautiful.
you tried wearing makeup.
you tried the skirts, the fake nails, the nail polish, everything.
none of it felt right and you still looked,
weird.
ugly.
very uncomfortable.
at age 12 you would be searching around YouTube.
you came across trans videos, trans YouTubers.
you finally understood some of what you felt.
you would soon come to terms with your identity.
you would look back on all the signs you had wish you had acted on earlier.
you're only 12.
you would beg your mom to let you get your hair cut in 7th grade.
you ended up getting an a-line.
you hated it.
you would get teased and made fun of for it.
it wasn't your decision.
you had it for 3 or 4 months when you finally said,
i want to get it cut, again.
i don't like it.
you would get a pixie cut.
you,
felt more like you.
you were seen as just a stereotypical lesbian.
no.
you started being able to wear your clothes more comfortably,
you would stop cosplay girls all together.
because it would cause pain, discomfort.
you had gotten into a relationship with this girl, still being seen as a girl.
you would spend a lot of time with her.
you would get upset but understanding after she didn't want to show PDA because she was afraid people would judge you two.
you said to her one day at six flags,
it's okay, people will think im a guy anyway.
hm.
soon after, you would break up with her and,
shit would go down.
you waited until after you saw rhett and link with her in California to express what you felt.
it was horrible.
you read the texts she would send to you in the evening and break down,
hysterically
you were the one who broke up with her,
but it felt the other way,
she had been so hurtful and cruel.
not long after,
someone you loved dearly would commit suicide on Monday, December 18, 2017. you were devastated.
you were crying continuously.
you wanted to give up as well.
that next day, your dad would tell you,
that your grandmother was not doing great,
that he was going to fly back to Pennsylvania to see her.
she wanted to make it until Christmas.
she didn't.
that same week on Thursday.
she passed away in her sleep.
you were still going to school all this week.
it was finals week.
you were so incredibly stressed, depressed, anxious.
you,
wanted to end your life.
you could not handle the misery, the pain, the absolutely unfair world that took two amazing, talented and caring people away.
you were not okay.
you would end up calling your dad and crying hysterically.
your mom would come in so worried and heartbroken.
she was scared,
your dad was scared,
but,
you were the most scared.
these ideations of wanting to overdose,
drown yourself,
choke yourself,
hurt yourself.
you did not want to exist.
you wanted to be dead.
but you were shaking,
you wear horribly afraid of dying,
and yet you wanted to die so badly,
that's the only reason you said anything to anyone, ever.
you were screaming and yelling at yourself.
it was the hardest fight you had ever fought,
you had been in many karate tournaments, you had been kicked in the jaw for standing up for your friend.
but you had never fought such a hard fight as this.
you would sit in the mental hospital next to your middle school that you never thought you would end up in, especially not now.
you would be there for nearly 8 hours.
you had not eaten, not drank and had gotten no sleep.
you refused to stay any longer. you felt like you were going to pass out.
they weren't going to treat you, you wanted to go home.
your 1 year old niece was there the whole time. she was there,
she was so innocent.
she had no idea what was happening other than,
you being sick.
you would go on to see your psychiatrist and she would question you and you were diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
you were put on meds.
and after that, you came out near the end of the year to your teachers.
it felt so good,
they were so happy for you and were so supportive.
so was everyone else.
people you had never talked to congratulated you for coming out.
that was your highest point in life.
you got better from there.
you would be seeing your therapist since your incident and she helped you so much.
you would soon come out to your parents in June, with her help.
they didn't really understand.
but you would all soon come to terms with it.
and now, you pass so well, you still struggle with pretty bad dysphoria, but it was better.
you had very supportive friends.
you would be comfortable talking about your dreams and experiences with your friends because they wanted to learn.
that was something that made you so happy.
03/21/19
you are making sure you keep taking care of yourself, you've just started highschool.
but you have been dealing with a lot of problems and have missed a lot of school.
you are keeping your grades up , kind of, and are quite stressed.
but you have great friends.
you made so many friends this year so far, you've gotten so much closer with people and you're so much happier.
you're so happy you lived on and hope to keep doing so.