Recently I've been thinking about life. It's meaning and where I stand in all of it. On this very work I will be very honest, hence the casual language. Mark Manson, a Boston blogger and author really inspired me to be REAL with myself. I can't be bothered with fuckeries of proper phrasing and elaborate vocabulary. Fuck the little red dots under my wrong spelling trying to correct me. As a reader excuse my terrible writing and bear with me.
Once a famous person said (not that I remember who or its context) that loneliness is the origin of all great art... at least something on that line. If so, then I must be the Queen of art, because as much as my pain and loneliness or the adversities of life as Manson calls it, is as mundane and ordinary, my victimizing self-important self can't help but occasionally drown in it. I feel as though I cannot meet my full potential, like I lack so much more compared to my companions, to the people that surround me. It is not rare that I am treated like an idiot, and sometimes I cannot even realize it is so, and I can't lie I also find solace in such treatment at times. This is exactly the reason why I feel as though I can't connect with people. Because people have hobbies, things they love and hate, know names and details about things they are interested in. They feel things, they complain, rejoice and share their deepest emotions with their family and friends. I lack this, at least to the degree of other average people. After all I do have emotions, I feel sad, heartbroken, used, happy and even grateful.
How do I know that I lack interests and common knowledge? It's simple, I struggle to truly communicate with others, now at first glance and if you knew me you would believe that I am sociable and good with people. However, I can't get past the point of true connection, like I can temporarily make you feel good and exchange information. But don't expect me to advance our relationship, don't expect to see glimpses of the "true Mone" because such a thing doesn't exist. Unless of course you're looking for a blank doll that knows only how to confirm her existence through the acknowledgment of others. We can't talk about any common interest because believe it or not, I know not a single name, not a single artist name or actor (okay maybe I'm exaggerating just a bit). I just cant remember them, I can barely remember my friends names, cut me some slack. Now I know how people say we aren't as bad as we think we are, but I have proof of this, my best friend too admits that I am a bit boring and lack interesting topics. She is one of the most honest people around me, and at times (not always) I can trust her for blatant and ruthless truth. The ones that usually hurt the most.
How can trust be formed if the other feels as though I am talking to them about everything even though they are entrusting me with their life. I can't blame them, they talk about their lives, look at me with expectations that I will talk, and talk I do, but is it truly something that is deeply true and unfiltered? I don't think so, verbalizing my emotions is something I simply struggle to do. It's unfair to the other. And that is exactly why I feel alone. Even with company, nothing is intimate. At least intimate enough for me to feel loved.
Perhaps, re-examining my values and measures may be a good step. Manson believes that this can be done so by realizing our mortality. Comprehending that death, is the reason we are alive and in the large picture we are not much. Therefore in order to remain our legacy. It is important that we work for something greater than ourselves, let go of our self-centered small fuckeries of life and strive to be part of greater change.
As simple as this may sound, I know that I am going to be challenged. What is this "something greater" anyway. And what are my values right now to begin with. The questions remain galore, but for the time being lets say, I need to take a leap of faith and start finding what I want to be a part of, what great change can be fluttered into the ripples of fate. My measure can be... let's see judge myself based on the person I was yesterday and the days before. Simple and easy to manage.