Secret Tainted Fun

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Back at my house i started to get a terrible headache, i had never had one this bad before. then out of the blue i felt nauseous. That night i puked over forty times. my parents took me to the ER. Thinking I was dehydrated. The doctors had come to the conclusion that i had a viral infection, and that it would clear up quickly. The next day i felt normal so mom and i decided to go shopping, which I don't really have any recollection of. A few days later, everything started spiraling out of control. I was so confused and had no idea what was going on. I called Steven one night when i was laying in my bed, and i asked him over and over "am i possessed.?" Mom made me a doctors appointment and the doctor said that sometimes during a yeast infection older women can get confused, though its not common in children, it is still a possibility. The doctor told my mom to talk to me because she insisted that something happened at Amber's house. Later that night my mom took the doctors advice and asked me questions no kid or parent want to talk about. Not like i remember though. She then found out Amber and i smoked. About three weeks is the amount of time i lost, i don't remember anything from those three weeks. though i do remember being confused and not understanding anything. Mom noticed something was majorly wrong because i slept for twenty-two hours one day and the other two hours i was up, all i did was pace and complain about how confused i was. Mom caught me at the medicine cabinet. i told her that i thought i was already dying so i figured i would help move the process along. i wrote down all my symptoms. "Cold. Hot.Dizzy. Confused.I dream of overdosing." and the list went on. I begged mom to take me to ER. She had already been planning on it. While i was at the ER, they had to take my blood. they found no trace of THC in my system or any other type of drug, meaning what Amber and i had smoked was synthetic Marijuana, or what people call Spice. That could've been a mix of any chemical. Since i had wrote down that i dream of overdosing i had to be admitted to a Behavior health hospital. A mental Hospital. I spent eight days there not understanding what was going on. finally my last two days there i regained my memory, my everything and i felt back to the way i was before. I was told that if I were to use any type or form of street drugs, and possibly alcohol I could go back into the psychotic state I was in, or even become schizophrenic. I was diagnosed with Substance Induced Psychosis.

After being released from the hospital i had to go back to school which was a nightmare. Rumors were flying. Olivia was telling everyone that my dad caught me smoking pot and put me in jail. Which was obviously false, but people seemed to believe it. i was told that Amber wanted to fight me because i ratted her out, which i don't remember doing, but apparently i did because my dad called Amber's parents and told them about everything. Amber said that she wished i would've died. Even though it was Amber who said it, it still hurt because she was my friend. WAS. I personally think i held on too tight to her because i did want a friend and i wanted to fit in with her. Yeah we bought it together and i still participated. i just wonder if i wasn't so bloodthirsty for a friend if i would've gone along with what had happened.

After getting discharged from the hospital, I had to make an appointment with a therapist and a psychiatrist along with a physical, hence the reason for my hospitalization. The therapist wanted to know the reasoning behind why I smoked and to be completely honest I didn't really have a reason why, I just wanted to have a good time. Although I did feel a bit pressured into it, I still obliged. After that day with amber nothing has been the same since, I'm doing a lot better after having done some cutting, being hospitalized two more times along with a Partial hospitalization program that lasted a span of 4 weeks. Since the program was during the days school typically would be in session, my mom and dad agreed to unroll me from school for the semester, allowing me to focus on myself. On getting better. I'm happy again, my therapist even believes that I am begging remission. I've made some friends (who don't do drugs) and my braces are coming off soon. So far my life has done a whole 360 but I'm partially glad that I had this experience to teach me. In around December everything started falling apart again. I had fallen off with the man I thought was the love of my life. We completely cut ties and it broke me. I began slicing my thigh, had multiple suicide attempts and started hooking up with random guys, even having a few pregnancy scares. I was lying to everyone and saying I was fine. I wasn't. I finally broke down one day in the kitchen in front of my mom, unable to hold anything back. I went back to the mental hospital for yet a fifth time. They recently diagnosed me with major depressive disorder severe also believing that I am bipolar. They said if I go back I could be there for 2 months to 2 years. And that's not what I want.

Right now I'm taking my life day by day. I'm trying to stay positive